Why in the world would anyone want to do it and be like this? I so don't understand
we (addicts) just "know" what we all saw, and felt in the mouth of madness.
It's a glimpse of demonic insanity. ....It did seem crazy to me,I did'nt care, but I liked being so far gone, I liked being entertained by the darkside. ....Doing speed smoothed it all out.
like astronuat training... ..you're viewing another ....very very dark side of humanity. ....there were days I would'nt go out until dark. I knew I looked like a ghoul. ...I knew I was insane. but I wallowed in it like a pig in sh!t.
pigs know it's sh!t they are wallowing in. ....but there's something in them that makes it ok.
like retarded people look happy.... .....they are unable to eat of have organized thoughts, dress organize...but they don't care. ..thet sit there and smile while you call them retards, they don't give a fat rats ass what you think... ...it's like a perk you get for being retarded, you get this overwhelming feeling of well being that breaks when the speed runs out.
obviously when the spell is lifted and you are on a dung heap.. .....you go back to the dealer and turn your dung heap to gold again.
you think it spins straw into gold. ....but then, it's only you, who could see the straw was gold when it's all over. .....and it never was.
The sad thing is how much you LOVE it. ....it's your best friend, it cures loneliness, gives you strenghth and confidence, viverent energy, ideas, and beauty at first.
you love it, and it loves you and you will always have crystal to hold you when things get bad.
I remember thinking flat out, I'll go see my best friend.
and while you are loving it, it is robbing you. .....it takes all your money, strength, natural ability to feel joy, you, what you stand for, and belive in to your core... ...you throw it all away and put all your faith in whats good and true to YOU. like following manson... "charlie is jesus" ....yeah right. ...but its deep. even charles manson's momma still thinks he was framed. ....we defend, protect, cover, and are extremely loyal. we jumps thru hoops like trick poodles and smile back at it ....it says... you gotta do more.
it's the most hardcore brainwashing, scam, lie, hoax, slap in the face betrayal there is.
we stay with it for YEARS. ....we build our life around it.
we love it, we're married to it. it's like we are in this group that was screwed over by the same con artist. ...and the mothers whose chidren fell into a cult. like jim jones.
it whispers the same promise in all of our ears and falls short.
it gives us an edge on the world. ....but soon the entire universe has the edge on you.
Joined: Wed Mar 16 2005, 01:18AM
: in a Finnish goat hut north of the Arctic circle
I need to quit smoking too.
It a love/hate thing
I hate what is is doing to my arteries and my bloodpressure My lungs... I cough in the morning, green nuggets come forth... it's hot.
It's expensive I don't eat right, smoking is a natural laxative, so I do not eat much fruits and vegies I tend to dehydrate because I drink coffee or soda mostly with them Ashtrays stink. I get tar stains on my underwear I'm definitely in the minority these days... there's about 7 people out of 120 that smoke where I work
thankies thrash~ ...Insecurity strikes. You know that's exactly how I feel, when you and I are talking about computer stuff... ....I stray off topic because I don't know what to say.
ok.... ....here's more of my crap..I understand if you talk about computers or something after.
This one was to britt, she's been sober awhile now, brittizze is her forum at AM ......17 years old, and did'nt wanna quit:
bye little vampire! *waves, hugs*
....try to enjoy the moment. because life is LOOOONG when you make the wrong decisions.
........ being a drug addict is all you get to know, you are making your decision.
....I wish someone had told me this at the cross roads, so I'll try...
please try to open up and be neutral, as it will not affect me in anyway what you choose.
I want to just inform you, .....
~ YOU HAVE CHOOSEN METH ~
this is your job description as "disiple of meth"
you will be a missonary touring poverty, death,bending decaying minds, rotting, insanity, violence, perversions beyond your power to understand, that will steal your soul away and leave you as hollow inside as a meth mobile, just a brainless bottom feeder going around yearing, needing, desiring METH baybee!
running on meth, and stopping, spuddering and choking, dying...with out it.
You will spend all your time wanting, and hoping to get METH.
....You won't get a home,it's cool, it's not important, neither are relationships, dreams, education, career, relaxing, dopamine, nothing else will be within your reach. ......besides meth!....and getting some more!
as long as you got meth, that's all you gotta worry about. What your personal limitations are will decide how willing you are to get METH!
REMEMBER you get METH ONLY!!! NOTHING ELSE!
You will get plenty of it, so HAVE FUN! ....go fast girl!
Do one for me!
......crunch into a shard for me!.. yummy! you shake, freeze up, get a whiskey face, and shiver all over to the tips of your nipples, and clench your teeth and jaw.
I fukin'LOVE/ED speed so much. ............It was the LOVE of my LIFE!
........I LOVED the taste of it!
I've fuckin' eaten it off floors! ....bathroom floors!
I usta eat it, snort it and smoke it!
........a couple of times... when my connection changed batches, sometimes it was stronger than I thought, I ate too much, and had to puke, ...... VOMITED in a cup, saved it, and drank it later!
you can't say I'm not loyal to my drug. ...I loved it, and i did anything for it, I did'nt fuck for it, but, I considered it very carefully, over quitting. ....but I chose my soul.
....belive me I sold EVERYTHING else...or LOST it! I hocked, pawned, sold, stole, lied, borrowed, begged, bartered, got fronts ....
LAID down my WHOLE LIFE! to honor it.
I gave it my all. .............and it never did anything for me, but make me retarded.
....I can't even use the experiance to keep you from being another victim of a dirty trick.
........just so you know.
you can't beat the clock.
"Look out you rock n' rollers! ........pretty soon now you gonna get older!"
I'm not telling you to quit! .....be the best drug addict you can be! see rock bottom!
I'm just saying with out trying to sway you in either direction.
you can have ANYTHING YOU WANT.
...just not EVERYTHING.
you must choose what you will spend you time on in this life.....and you only have so much availible time.
... imagine we are in a big supermarket (life). and you have a certain amount of money to spend there (Time)
......you have to pick something you really want, because that's what you'll spend all your time on. .....you could learn to be an interior decoratar, or photographer,or a speed freak.
speed freak is real.
you learn alot in your choosen field about survival, trust, psychosis, whelps, fever blisters...
(britt replied: "I don't buy it, people just give it to me)
important for you if you are gonna be a speed freak...
what goes around, comes around. ....if you go back to the life. pull your own weight, buy your own dope.
or you'll never get a break. ..............people will rip you off and not share with you.
really. please buy your own, if you are gonna be any good at it.
question: ..............why is it harder to quit if you relapse?
You wasted more time doing meth. .......you reason that it's too late for you to change, you might as well be what you "really are" ...... the "evil" you, becomes stronger, and has more influence,you begin to belive thats what you really ARE it's voice is strong and unwavering,it says .....
...."do it until you die, you already wasted your life, it's over now!...why try to win? .........you choose what you wanted to be, ....so be it.
......because the "real" you has become weaker, and more distant and hard to hear.
your spirit is worn thin, your brain is screaming this ain't working...feed me, dope is good! I won't work without it.
as time goes by...
you don't think of hiding the tin foil, and having enough lighters,scoring..... and all the things that were priorities, in the life become passe.
now you are like the rest of the world, trying to catch up to be even again.
......you press on. you start to think of other things to do with yourself that would make you happy.
....when you relapse, you are OUTTA the hard knock life! free! everything seems so bright, you have all these ideas on how to fix your dull ass hard life, and keep going!...you wonder why you stopped! you are ALIVE and on TOP this time! life ain't so bad now!
then the bad things start happening. .....you leave your debit card on a counter, lock your keys in the car with it running....dumb crap, that costs you..you do more cause you are so mad at yourself, to feel better...avoid things that would have made you happy before, but now you don't wanna do lunch with you mom, or see a movie with a friend..... sheeeyat! you are too busy for sitting, you are busy LIVING! you think. .... so you cancel, put it off, make another arrangement, forget, not show, loose your wallet, bla bla bla...
then things start coming back at you... ....friends are pissed, bills are past due, car windows broken from the key thing, your job fires you, you now are moving into your car, dope is'nt working anymore.
you quit again.
you got all this crap again... ...your brain is'nt functioning right, quitting does'nt put you back where you were mentally.
so you figure you are screwed either way.
Education ....is what comes from forgiving youself for learning the lesson.
how many times will we beat our heads on that brick wall, before we understand? ....I'm right there with you.
....If I smash my head against the wall one more time! it may be a different out come!...it MIGHT help.
...intresting, you get smarter and more damaged at the same time.
one day we'll say.
"Immma keep this little bit of brain I got left, ........and pass on the misery this time"
it reminds me of excercizing a muscle.
if you feed the demon. ...it gets strong. It says ...let's get dope, I got ideas!....... you can't function with out dope!tard! ....and the universe seems to work against you like you are on the wrong side. Strange DARK freaky, bizarre, unexplicably ....too unlikely to explain, but it's there.
if you feed your soul, your inner voice, the "knowing" one, and also the one that really loves you....and tries to save you, gets clearer,and starts whispering the answers to direct your life again, you dream, you have preminitions, esp, instinct, awareness. ...and strange wonderful miricles present themselves that you KNOW you would'nt have gotten using. .....also unexplicable.
.....the most unlikely things happen against you or to temp you on meth. I got stories!
then you recover, and hate life but small miricles come to reassure you that you are on the right path.
Relpy to the statement: ..........sorry is'nt enough, is it too much to ask a recovering addict to pay back what they took from us?
When you are high, it blocks out all the things that "normal" people are in tune with. ...What we've done is we escaped reality, as we'd hoped... but escaping reality, is insanity.
So you are sitting on a dung pile knitting for eternity like a happy idiot. ....when you come down.
Gravity, is apparent. ...your mind is thick like dough. it's so hard to shower, get your stuff together and see anyone.... .....you can't find whats clearly sitting infront of you... when you take a shower you can't really feel water hitting your skin...you really can't function. ...you can't "put on a happy face" and passably act like a person who is "with" the world.....a dud...for about 2 months.... .................little by little it lightens up.
you start feeling so grateful to TEARS, that you can "feel" something again.... ...and for breif moments..... that you were'nt despairing. you feel a grateful to god feeling, because, your SOUL, the real you that emerges from the wreckage to shine thru.
......and the real you morns. the realization hits.
....you start remembering things, that happened when you were high... ....that you translate into realistic terms, instead of meth illogical terms...
....you begin to hurt emotionally....as physically throbs in the background like a kids car stereo with bass.
the tears, the regret, the remorse, the horror, the wasted time, the waste of your life, you were'nt in your own life.
you stole, a sold, and hustled for this piece of hazzardous waste... ....the realization hits you that you are a piece of SH!T
Everyone has contempt for you, you are perpetually in the dog house, givin' the fish eye, tention...suspician, disappointment, hurt eyes all around you...you are an ASS....you were at LARGE ....an idiot........... a farrell human.
....people think you are using, or going to relapse, and you are'nt...or trying not to. the heavy feelings.
the next phase?
...I don't belong here..I wanna go back to the place with no pain...I destroyed my life, family, friends, bonds, trust.
all I got left is meth.
I'm not saying,he should'nt pay his dues....
....but he CAN'T do it at once, anymore than one waitress could serve 2000 people at once.
the things you neglect...self, relationships, bills, times (graduations, weddings, birthdays, xmas bla bla bla)
...............it all hurts so bad and is so overwhelming.
but if you tell the 2000 people to come in 20 at a time... ...and stagger them an hour and a half..the waitress could do that if she works hard.
..We're wrong, and we know it.
It's hard, we've all been thru alot, but loved ones..
..... try to feed what we did to you, and what we gotta make right to us .........at a level that does'nt exceed our capabilities as mere mortals to fix..
----------------------------------------------------- can you remember why you would do things? ------------------------------------------------------ Yes -------------------------------------------------------------- do you understand your thought processes while using? -------------------------------------------------------------- yes.
for me, speed developed a "new" me. ....everytime I do it...that part of me "suzette" gets bigger...
when I was on a run...I could hear my true self very faintly...trying to get out warnings and protesting.. ...now I hear suzette trying to get out. saying how good it would be. .......louder, and more a part of me than ever.
I remember doing things...
....like spending my rent on speed, taking out 9 payday loans to get speed...
...and my reasoning was...I'll be dead soon anyway.
I never thought I'd live to pay the loans back, or be homeless....it was such a dark state of mind....but i can pull it right up in front of me.
....there was this feeling of...things are so bad, I owe so much money...lets do it right, a spectacular swan dive from a roof top into a condement cup,
a damage report to be proud of... ........... to just keep trying to bury myself until I disappeared .
...take it to the limit one more time.
no one can stop me from doing these crimes! ha ha!
(I called doing speed, doing crime)
I'm a drug addict!.... .....I WANT TO DIE USING METH! THAT'S WHAT I LOVE! it's my friend, my true love, my only concern..
when I lost my apt, I was evicted...and i sat at the bus stop drawing homeless people...but i never thought I was homeless... I thought I was were I wanted to be. ....I thought I'd rather be able to draw than live somewhere....or sleep. (I can't draw w/o speed...ADD) ..I was a single girl, who can't fight, wandering the worst parts in a hoodie...looking at the ground so people would'nt offer me five dollars for a blow job... .....the first one of those I was like 5 dollars!?? are you nuts..I'm not for sale....but foe 5 dollars you want my soul? it occured to me now... ...I must have looked homeless, and desperate for cash..
at one point I was walking around the streets of vegas,
..... I stopped and screamed in my thoughts.... "I wish I was in a padded cell! naked! no pockets or belongings...I'm so tired of lookng for stuff! I hate where's waldo, I don't wanna play no more!"
...I started pouring tears...
I heard my true self then...
suzie said TO suzette...
....wow, you're crazier than I would ever have belived possible....
...having thoughts like that is not a good sign we're gonna last.
I had the same thought a million times a day, everyday toward the end...
.....I hate everything.
it was'nt fun anymore...so why would I want to live? ....my love turned black on me..I was far from effective, ...(why I loved it so much, to organize myself) I could'nt find my ass with both hands..
...I stripped the threads on my stimulant screw so to speak.
jes78 Member Posts: 112 (12/3/06 11:07 am) Reply ezSupporter Re: My adventures squatting in abandoned buildings -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- when i lived in italy, there was police , but the camora ruled everything, including the drugs. we had shooting plazas, and lots of old abandoned stone bldgs like you are desribing. there is no 911, life is like 50 yrs behind in napoli. its changed a little bit, but not much. there would be so many of us, and the smell would be so nasty. the drug i was on there is similar to heroin, and people would do #2 on the floor because they would be sick and couldnt wait the extra minute. it was horrid! and me being a woman was the worst. see if u are a girl and an addict you do it at home, well im from america so i went out to get high. ive been beat so many times, but there is noone to call, no police, added to the fact im a female junkie. it was a nasty sight, and sometimes i would stop and think why? why am i even here?why am i even alive? sometimes reality would hit me like a slap in the face.
BrokenN2 Member Posts: 700 (12/3/06 11:38 am) Reply ezSupporter My daze @ the Slave House -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When I was using...I mean using using..not this BS I did in the past year.
I would sling at a place that I called a Slave House. It was a really nice house owned by this older woman who's daughter used and was used.
A person who was once a famous drummer for a couple of huge rock bands was there and he was a pimp. Ya know I dont think I truly knew for sure what was going on in this house filled with 20 - 30 users at a time....all I did was use!! Yeah some of these girls flirted with me BUT I was to busy getting high and really wasnt attracted to someone who was slamming dope in front of me.
Anyways there was a girl there who would clean house all day long. Cleaning up after a buch of tweekers. She would go around talking to herself all day long....she was a beautiful girl...but was pretty much burnt the hell out from slamming day after day.
She would talk all this sh1t about being owned by these people in prison and that she was just staying there for a while...it made me sick.
Long story short the dude owed me money big time after 3 daze of using...
I was not a good person back then at all and I had friends in low places...I want get into that....
Anyways he offered me this girl....the one who cleaned for a couple of hours. PLEASE LET ME FINISH BEFORE YOU GET ANGRY.
Anyways I agreed...just to save this girl from the Slave House....so I said sure. The girl was like probably 25 years old yet they treated her like a child....
The dude said ok wait down here...I got to hit her with some dope (meaning shoot her full of meth) first. This girl was like a wild person...(insane). and they had abused her for who knows long.
It was all like a horrible movie...fuking scarey one.
Anyways after they shot this chick up numerous times...and one of her friends agreed to come along...they left with me.
I took them to my home and didnt take them back...I was trying to save there lives....and they thanked me by robbing me of all kinds of @#%$..heh.
Anyways long story...I wont finish the rest...but even when I was a hard core addict I had heart.
That once famous drummer had lost it all...hell he would borrow $5 from me for gas....he was a Pimp and a sick fuk....who used addicts to try and be someone.....he tried to kill one of my friends after that...thank god he didnt....
I just hope that this man got what was coming to him for the @#%$ he did.
I know Karma came my way...and I paid the price for the crimes I commited and then some.