...never tried methamphetine. that shit just scared the fuck out of me. but coke and occasionally methcathinone (which, oddly enough, didn't lol) were my mistresses for about a year and a half.
i don't know where methcathinone stands in comparison to amphetimine but i hear that meth is a spinning coaster compared to coke. started out with a quick hit, scared, confused, not knowing what to do or anything. the fear of trying to hide it from your parents, feeling ashamed that you are addicted, that you live for that next rush. it's always there. my mother did that shit...just about everything she could get her hands on in every combination that didn't guarantee instant death. the first five years of my life were awful. i wouldn't wish the shit that happened to me on anybody, no matter how badly i hate them.
but fuck...i thank god that i never got involved with meth. just woke up and started to wonder how i could live with myself...was turning into my mother. maybe my reaction to it wasnt as strong or maybe the shit i was taking wasnt pure or i dont know what...but i didnt have as hard of a time quitting as i hear of other people. yeah, it was hard...one of the hardest things ive done...but, looking back, it wasn't the gut-wrenching hell-in-one-room experience that i hear from other people. maybe it was just worse at the time and i blocked it out or something. who the fuck knows. i dont care. just know that im clean and i want to stay that way.
but i respect anyone that is able to quit...if you can stay clean your cool in my book.
maybe im just lucky, i guess. i backed out before i could fuck up my life too bad. sometimes when your down just wanna try one more time, just to remember the rush...shouldn't have that feeling at 18, i think. shouldn't have that feeling anyway, but dependency just runs in the genes so i gotta try real hard to stay away from shit that can be addictive. cigarettes, alcohol, drugs...i occasionally drink but i try very hard to keep it in check. on one side of my family is full of druggies, the other, alcoholics. so im determined to tempt fate and stay clean here.
but whatever. that's just my two pointless cents. its not my topic so i won't pull a 3-page post. just wanted to get the basics out there for some reason.
Well anyway... I was just going to say... withdrawls are different for everyone.
I know that methamphetamine withdrawls never got to me bad at all. Though I knew some people who they did.
Cocain gave me some bad ones once or twice.. but I was never really into it. least not for more than a week..
Heroin has the really hell on earth withdrawls. Because it's an opiate... which works in part by blocking pain receptors (from what I understand) the habit forming aspect is that the receptors become super sensitive because they arnt getting any signals... so that when you withdraw... basically your body's nerves feel like your whole body's coming apart because it's become super sensitive. It really doesnt help than withdrawing from heroin keeps you awake for days on end.
I find that with stimulants more than the actual physical withdrawl, the hardest part is the lure of going back to it. I always compared it to positive reinforcment versus negetive reinforcment.
That being said.. with things like meth and coke.. I've always felt it isnt quitting that hard. it's staying quit. I know that I *still* have really.. really strong euphric memories of using so strong they're almost like flashbacks.
But yeah. Congratulations on making the right choice and dropping that shit before it went any further.
Pshaw! you still think of me suze! your so cute with your "have you ever heard of forgotten enterprises?"
the girl hates me and banned me yet she's still my helpful little advertiser! Bwa ha ha ha hah! Btw,when i go i either wanna die ina plane crash or freeze to death from a overdose ina snowbank,Sounds.....Peaceful.......
My mother almost died from alchol abuse and it really left a huge impression in my life because of it.....I honestly think that i'll never EVER drink because of it and i really thank my mom for that.....
Drinking really isnt neccessary and is just kinda stupid,Like smoking or doing drugs......
Im really proud of yah thrash,I mean it...thats really great.And i know you can do it too!
I ran out of adderrall for two days... I told my doctor...
...that it was only because of all the extra focus power needed to do the xtra work on the xmas windows.
I showed my DR. the pictures I did for the businesses...
I also told him,
I won't be working 14 hours a day after the holidays. .................just my regular job.
so the meds I got (adderrall), and the dosage (2) are fine.
........he asked if I tried ritalin.
I must have looked scared, I said NO.
.. he said "just fill it and if you need something in addition to the two adderrall...... a little extra focus power ...it does'nt last as long as adderrall, use em if you need em".....K?
well...
...............wed night, I tried the ritlin after work to see what would happen if I needed them FOR work one day.
.....45 minutes later I was unbalanced, a better word is JONESING ...
who showed up when the desire to use more came?
.....SUZETTE.
......... I promply did another one,then crushed up two more and snorted them.
for some reason....my meth personality came out.
it had me on a leash like coke or crack. ..........why go thru coming down twice?.....do it ALLLL!
well..
I snorted 6, and took 4 between 10pm and 6am that morning
I never went to bed.....
.......I did 11 pills the first night night.
I don't understand how these things help people, ..............30 minutes Of euphoria, followed by severe yearning.
I would'nt quit taking them till they WERE GONE.
.........................when you snort em it is a dead ringer for coke. the buzz is a little more speedy, but it smells like, and goes down like...coke. ......it opens up my addicted self wide.
so... ........I would say I relapsed hard with this crap.
I would'nt normally call using something besides meth a relapse.
I did the pill ...the jones effect turned me back into a drug addict in 0.2 seconds
I DID get off, and I had enough to stay high, since I knew I'd never do this crap again...why save it? ... when the only time I would do it was that time!
I HATE jonsey drugs! *shivers* I HATE constantly yearning!...ahhhhhh! ....but, there was enough.
and it had a euphoric dopamine thing about it, when taken in excess.
so when mom came home from work, she said... ...DID YOU TAKE THAT RITILIN? ...yes.
OH my GOD! don't take more! .....how many did you take?
....11.
she was like WHAT!!?!??... why?
...I said, I could only focus 20 minutes on em, then there's a 50 minute tormenting anguish that follows. it was uncomfortable so I took more. ....every 20 minutes or so.
she hit the roof. saying I looked like when i did meth, and begged me to toss em. I said ok and did'nt. I did'nt go to bed for 36 hours... 30 pills later.
and it had suzie written on the bottle....it was leagal! ........I could abuse chocolate milk and be as guilty.
I did succeed in my trademark of excessive excessiveness.
It makes you real horney too, ....after you realize the capacity for orgasm you are anyway! very intense.
yes....I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care.
I AM an addict ...with a union card!
well... here's what I thought about ritalin....
I give this drug a 10 on the abuseable scale a 7 on the fun scale and a 10 on the jones meter.
I hate it. it's like crack...you gotta keep doing it, or I do. I don't achieve focus on it ...thats for sure!
I would'nt do that shit again, ..... if it was the last drug on earth, and the apocolypse was at hand.
to me...it's "Dr.'s prescribed crack"
....I hate drugs that leave you feeling more unhappy than you started out as.
...I have extensive research to back what I'm saying.
THAT SHIT SUCKED!
....little kids get this crap!?
I heard there's a hard downside, or "coming down" ...........better yet, JONES. on it.
...I thought since I'm ADHD, it may be differrent for me.
like adderrall is..... ...........adderrall is what works for me.
I won't even consider "sampling" another again... I'll take my cure and not look back.
amazing....but I NEVER abuse the adderrall, I get tired and crash. ...no worries! I've never do that with adderrall, .....I can't! ......... you know I tried! three adderrall makes me sleepy. if I take more than two it voids me out, ............I'm prescribed two. It works. .......... and it wastes my "would be" focus to go to sleep on my meds.. .....so I don't do it.
I know now, that what I'm doing now WORKS. ...if it ain't broke, don't fix it!
I tested this drug... ...............it was an experamental drug.
I was allergic to it.
....instead of swelling up or something, I turned into suzette. ..............I thought it was cheap and taudry, a LAME fuck around!
I am now fully checked out on ritilin...
I'm NOT a coke addict! or a crack addict, or a ridilin addict!. ...unless I do one hit, .....so I don't!
it's like being in love with a bitch you can't stand! I'm unhappy enough...
I'm returning from my exploration..... .....I have found the answers I was looking for in this expedition, and it is concluded.
it reminded me of...
................you know that stephen king book "the shining"?
...Jack is an alcohaulic. the hotel owners leave him in an empty hotel and NO BOOZE is there....they took everything out.
he sits in an empty bar, talking to a bartender ghost, and drinks "ghost booze" all night.
....when he see's his wife again, HE IS SMASHED on booze!
on KCI theres was a debate on if this was an "offical" relapse.
here's my thoughts...
don't really care to waste my energy trying to label what I did. ...it does'nt matter. It was like a wet using dream. *smiles*
I WOULD call it, self indulgent, extreme, weak, it's fucked up, and gross, .............like a fat guy alone in a donut factory, it's defininatly an act that encourages loosing touch with myself, sorta suicidal (that many...GOD!.... ha ha ha!)
...I tramatized my mom, staying up two days almost. I knew it would but my "give a damn" was busted!
It was like I jumped into the criminal side of my mind,and slammmed the door on "what's right, and expected"
I lied too, I did'nt throw em out, I did em. ..........suzette did'nt even vaugley consider throwing the drugs away. :twisted:
.....she's a psychopath that says....
OK, I'll throw them out.......you are RIGHT!
instead of saying NO!..... over and over.
dude, I LOOKED and FELT like I did meth.. ..maybe, because of mass quantity.
I even got the hallucination effects after staying up.
I'm still trying to figure out how I felt like that.
....It took ALOT to feel that way, my reasoning was....
I'm only doing it this once, because I hate the yearning thing...in any drug...but I was there.....
....it's like going to LA.... it's weirdly attractive, being so wretched, and illusional and you may as well see it while you are there anyway.
when I tried coke, I knew I hated it, and WOULD NEVER do it again.. ...but, I'd worry about that when I ran out of what was in front of me!! I was screwed when I did the first line!
....and did it till I could'nt do anymore...and STILL was'nt happy. ...............and never did it again.
same thing really.
I'm fully qualified to answer any question on ritilin, and ....extreme addicts. ..I don't know how ANYONE could eat just one! *smiles*
I got trashed dude...I was tweaked on the fukin ritilin.
Ewwwww, that's so gross!....like sniffing glue is lame...
..... getting tweaked on ritilin?...LAME ASS, BEAT, SAD, and DESPERATE.
.. it made me extremly sketchy.
it pressed some buttons somewhere that made my mind react to it like, it was dope.
I am so grateful too!
...THANK YOU GOD!...I'll be good now...I got a break in this routine!
woo! I had a great time!
I don't know if it's a relapse.. ...or just another step toward enlightenment.
..I also wanted to respond to the notion posted by someone........
"I knew I was loosing control" ....for education purposes, I want to say.
as soon as I tried the first pill. .....I joined the hardcore drug addict program already in progress....
I KNEW one thing for SURE! ....I was going to party on that bottle of pills! ...there was no discussion about it between suzie and suzette. I was 100% addict again. .................rational was never in the picture.
I've never clicked over into a mode like that with adderrall. ......I do it exactly like the bottle says, and it works.
that particular drug had a radical. ..............and fast, effect on my mind.
I was given this to "try" as a law abidding good little girl going thru proper channels.
I completely understand what addiction is "progressive" really means... .....I had some grey area in that notion.
now it's crystal clear...
...there was no rational reasoning to wrestle with, it was out to lunch. I took this pill. ....then I was exactly what I was six months ago,in the same frame of mind,
Joined: Wed Jan 12 2005, 12:39pm
Location: Plague of Madness
Posts: 1100
I have seen how hard people struggle with addiction and I am very proud of you Suze for putting it behind you and moving on with your goals rather than let this drag you down again.
No use beating yourself up Suze, you are doing very well, you saw it for what it was and you moved past it. No meth user in the world would not do it when it's right in front of them, or 98% anyway. Getting down on yourself would just be detrimental and this wasn't really your fault given the composition of the two are very similar. Had you known, you would have stopped him from giving you the pills beforehand maybe.
