I'm not worried about it. ...it was just my reaction to that drug.
I read a warning on the bag it came in...that said. "possible abnormal drug seeking behaivior may occur".
holy shit.
I WILL NOT ask for more. .....no. I did'nt like taking 30 pills.....it's what it took for me to be happy on it. ...I would'nt do that shit again! ...bla!
I could'nt stop myself, it was too late when I ate the first pill.
...It was'nt a conscience effort, to get any drugs and abuse them. I was sitting here typing and when it hit my system. I was changed.
I can't describe it ...even to myself. ...but I am trying to.
I lost my acknowledgement of any wrong doing.
....when it started wearing off....it made me uncomfortable. so I took more. ...I never had that moment BEFORE you do something stupid or wrong that you recognise it for what it is.
I was prescribed this med. I never took it before, so I did'nt know what to expect, that's why I did a trial at home, not work.
I was taking this experimental med to see if it worked for me. ......the effect of the experament could have been helpful, with a short duration, that was the intention.
instead... ...it pressed some buttons that made me oblivious to any concerns or second thoughts.
like suzie and suzette were arm wrestling, ......................... and suzette slammed suzie fast and hard.
game over.
no struggle.
I'm usually 85/15 ......all the time.
suz (the real me) 80%....../... suzette (my drug addict personality) 20%
if I'm on drugs... ........it's the opposite.
suzette 80% --suz 20%
suzette belives drugs are fun and GOOD for you...and if unleashd by using... ..................... suzie has a hard time stopping it.
im adhd...used ritalin for a while, but got pulled off of it. was told that i had to learn to deal with it without meds.
sometimes i'd take 4 a day just to keep level. some say that's a big deal...i guess i see that it's not compared to your dilemma. occasionally i kinda slip and go adhd psycho...but most of the time im okay
Drugs are great as long as you are on them. It is when you run out that it sucks. Then you begin to realize just how fucked up your life has become. Then you go out and get more drugs so you can feel better about your fucked up life, and the cycle repeats itself.
wrote ... .........that was when I saw a shrink. was diagnosed ADHD, .......came home looked up insanity on the puter, and found the asylum.
I talked to them a few months... my ex started calling me here, saying he was crazy, and the dr. put him on meds...anti depressants. ....he was sorry. so, I told the asylum I was going back to vegas.
He was a sound tech at the sahara hotel. ....I picked him up from work, and a show girl came in and accused ME of taking her wedding ring,
he lost his job, .....since then, they proved she was lying for insurance scam reasons, she was banned from all casino's
......and he started doing crack and meth, apparently he got into it while I was gone.
I held two jobs for almost a year, my ex never worked the whole time..... .........................................................................................................
almost done but not quite...the worst is yet to come...
.....to be continued...
PART 3~
......SO, I worked two jobs from sept until june in active addiction. my ex mostly slept, and did my dope, and accused me of different things that I did'nt do. ...when we got high...he started getting WAY perverted. he started looking at trannie porn, and asking me to draw trannies blowing him...so I did. ...with each picture I drew, I was less intrested in him. It was a long walk to the bed room....
finally ...he asked me to penatrate him, with a big cucumber.
.......putting cucumbers up peoples ass ....ain't my thing. I don't want to see that, anymore than seeing the bathtub lady in my bath tub!
if I was satisfied....I prolly would have...what goes around comes around......but I was'nt.
he was never willing to take responsibility for my orgasms.... ......there was never foreplay, ever. I had to get in the bathtub before sex with him, because intercorse is alot like being impaled, if you are'nt sexed up enough.
I was gettting tired of this bullshit....
I told him and his brother, ....when MAY came....I was'nt gonna pay if he did'nt have his third of the rent........his brother lived with us, and paid half...but we never had money because we were picking up his slack....end of april I was packing my stuff, and suggesting they do the same.... because I was moving out unless my ex got a job, .......I told them out of higher love, I'd remain a roomate, if he had a job, but I did'nt want to sleep with him anymore.
by then, I was sleeping in the laundry room floor....and paying half the rent.
he would knock on the door....I'd open it, and he'd smash a glass against the wall so it shattered all over the laundry room. ...he tried to strangle me. once he woke me up acting all crazy...yelling mean shit, that was'nt true.
.......... I walked outside to make him stop yelling...and he locked me out. I was barefooted, in my pj's, my purse and ciggerettes inside.
.......he was as weird as horse shit in a garage.
May 2005 came. ....still, he was'nt working. I told them I was moving out.....
so I went to my friends house... .....who I knew for three years or so, I met her at las vegas country club when I was waitressing there...
....she had worked there 15 years, and was fired for sleeping through lunch three times... ............she was a crack head hitting bottom.
she's known me for years... ........I was clean for the first two years I knew her..
...and I gave her a key to my apt, so she had somewhere to do her crack. because she was getting used up by her mooching crack head pals....
.....and I did'nt do crack.
so, I told her to come over anytime...
because, I would'nt be asking her to hit of that shit! .....ewwww crack! ............and I would'nt tell her to quit as long as she was happy doing it. then, I would ask her to switch drugs. ...she's come in the middle of the night, and do her shit and clean my place.....I never asked that...but what a deal!
we were really good friends. ...I love her very much.
.......one night, when I had been staying with her about two weeks... I came home from work, and she was quite insane.
she said the guest room was cluttered, and it pissed her off..... ........and she was throwing my stuff over the balcony....
My ex blew up my caddie awhile back...letting it over heat. I had no car. ......so I was riding a bicycle.
she lived on the strip in vegas...so shopping carts were easy to come by. .....I put my stuff in the shopping cart and walked it back to the apt. that I just left.....when I got there...it was trashed! (in my name)... and vacant.
I started crying, ....... because my ex had broken stuff I had as a kid that I had'nt moved yet, and the violence and meaning of it was definately a big..... ... fuck you!...directed at me ...... we were together 9 years....I wanted to at least keep the friendship above any other bullshit.
thrash's question:
wrote ... You spoke of this boyfriend of yours from before that you used with ... ... how long were you with him, what was co-addicted life with him like, what finally broke it up, and, finally, where is he now (in his addiction)?
..........I've never seen or spoken to him (vegas bf) again.
the 20 year friend/bf ....the bondage one, posts here....animal. ...he's not using...or was'nt when I last saw him.......2 weeks ago.
ha ha ha! THAT is the answer and I wrote 3 pages worth of shit surrounding it!
Suze,Your raw honesty adnd all you've been through is very well.......Real,and uhm,Deep......nah,its an awsome read.Your easily one of the most likeable and easy going posters here......*hugs*
*is hugged, hugs back* ..thanks forgotten, I admire you as well. .......the struggle for individuality goes on for us both. You have alot of style, really. I LIKE the way you write. I REALLY do. ......for all the people who don't, who tell you. I just want to make sure you know there's those of us who do, who tell you that too.
There was.....Ehrm......Some uh,Onions and uh,yeh.....It made my eyes water.....I wasnt crying....Really,men dont cry........Nah,Oninons..........Yeah........Onions.......
Wow! Suze, i dont think ive ever read something truer with reguards to addiction. I've been addicted to pot for a long time (and i use the word "addicted" with referrence to your explaination that you dont NEED to do drugs, you make the conscious choice to every time), and ive noticed myself really stear away from friends and family, avoid more social interactions when most of the time thats what makes me tick. I dont think its anything about a specific drug, its the escape. Escape FROM paradise, because in the end you end up screaming to get back. I still smoke pot, but im in control of it, rather then vise versa. Honestly im scared of most other drugs, which a handful i have done, but wouldnt keep using. I always sought pot as the "harmless" drug, but as i (and you) mentioned before, its being addicted to the escape. The pot for me was the door, the high was the room.
