Q: why when getting off drugs, the shame, the hurt, guilt is so bad?
My answer:
like a dam about to break...
.....get ready. all the times you kill your pain...or block things out... ....the dam blocks it.
when we quit using.. ...the dam erodes......and all these feelings, good bad and ugly flood thru your conscience, and unconscieence mind.
(I used 2 decades)
When you are high, it blocks out all the things that "normal" people are in tune with.
...What we've done is we escaped reality, as we'd hoped... but escaping reality, is insanity.
So you are sitting on a dung pile knitting for eternity like a happy idiot. ....when you come down.
Gravity, is apparent. ...your mind is thick like dough. it's so hard to shower, get your stuff together and see anyone.... .....you can't find whats clearly sitting infront of you... when you take a shower you can't really feel water hitting your skin...you really can't function. ...you can't "put on a happy face" and passably act like a person who is "with" the world.....a dud...for about 2 months.... .................little by little it lightens up.
you start feeling so grateful to TEARS, that you can "feel" something again.... ...and for breif moments..... that you were'nt despairing. you feel a grateful to god feeling, because, your SOUL, the real you that emerges from the wreckage to shine thru.
you maturity level is'nt as it should be, so emotions run high.
......and the real you morns. the realization hits.
....you start remembering things, that happened when you were high... ....that you translate into realistic terms, instead of meth illogical terms...
....you begin to hurt emotionally....as physically throbs in the background like a kids car stereo with bass.
the tears, the regret, the remorse, the horror, the wasted time, the waste of your life, you were'nt in your own life.
you stole, a sold, and hustled for this piece of hazzardous waste... ....the realization hits you that you are a piece of SH!T
Everyone has contempt for you, you are perpetually in the dog house, givin' the fish eye, tention...suspician, disappointment, hurt eyes all around you...you are an ASS....you were at LARGE ....an idiot........... a farrell human.
....people think you are using, or going to relapse, and you are'nt...or trying not to. the heavy feelings.
the next phase?
...I don't belong here..I wanna go back to the place with no pain...I destroyed my life, family, friends, bonds, trust.
all I got left is meth.
I'm not saying don't pay your dues....
....but you CAN'T do it at once, anymore than one waitress could serve 2000 people at once.
the things you neglect...self, relationships, bills, times (graduations, weddings, birthdays, xmas bla bla bla)
...............it all hurts so bad and is so overwhelming.
but if you tell the 2000 people to come in 20 at a time... ...and stagger them an hour and a half..the waitress could do that if she works hard.
..We're wrong, and we know it.
It's hard, we've all been thru alot
..... try to understand what we did, and what we gotta make right....takes time ......Go at a level, that does'nt exceed your/our capabilities as mere mortals to fix..
try to focus on getting well.
you can't fill anyones glass until you fill your own pitcher...
and do a priority list to make amends.. ......if you don't you'll go back to the darkside.
I was on the greyhound bus, anticipating dope sickness .....almost out of speed.
completely broke.
........terrified to sleep.
hallucinating wildly...snakes in the luggage racks,, slithering above me, as if the devil sent them to watch me to make sure I was gonna "stay dark"
.....Tommorow june 27th 2005 I would arrive in flagler beach.
my mother would look at the shell that suzie was born in, tears in her eyes, as she searched my eyes for me.
.....she would lie awake and cry listening to me breathe. my chest rattling, with wet, thick, toxic speed mucus.
...watching me, sometime trying to wake me, when she saw me twiching from the paralysis dreams.
she thought I was dying.
........at that point, I was very sick for 3 weeks. I saw auras for 2 months... ..spining wheels of transparent color.
my urine was darkbrown...I was dehydrated...skin cracking from vegas's dryness, and my lack of concern to protect myself from it...
my dad, angry, just watched me with disappointed eyes. .....the pain of seeing the source of my mothers hysteria, and endless crying..was "someone" wearing my skin. ....but a stranger to him... he wanted to make me suzette feel his pain for it. .....and he wanted his daughter back too.
he bearly spoke tome for 6 months.
my aunt is an RN.
.....my mom asked her to look at me.. she told me she was afraid I really did some damage this time... ........that, she was afraid I was not gonna just "bounce back" like the other times.
and could possibly have to see a dr. about the breaker box issue...
....where I'd 'shut down" and then right before Id faint come back on. ...like someone flipped my main breaker switch off and on.
this went on for 2 weeks.
I had HORRIBLE STOMACH ACHES...EVERYTIME I ate, I was sick. it did'nt stop me... ....I was so malnurished, dehydrating and starving.
so sick, angry, humilated, agoraphobic.... ....with a bad hair cut.
(I useta cut my hair on speed., a dead giveaway to my whole family)
I did'nt wanna see my family....my mom's sis, and my cousin's live here too.
...I would'nt leave the house.
I cried, and cried, and slept, and ate, and hurt, and cried somemore...
..I had blocked out much of mourning my uncles death with speed.
I cried everyday after he died for a year.
.....but I still did'nt feel ALL of the pain, that you must feel in the process of grief from loss....to heal.
my body is older now, my eyes saw things that forever changed me.
my mother with large searching eyes.
....waited outside my "shell" that contained my very muffled true self ..mentally pacing..
...hoping and praying, one day I would fill it once more with "HER SUZIE"
instead... suicidal , depressive words, and hatred and contempt...that I did'nt die.
spilled from my mouth ............like some devil.
I was angry she saved me.
....if I had no choice...I coulda died in the streets of vegas...wrapped in shadows, and darkness.
..but she DID give me a choice.
my "superconscince" rational voice could bearly be heard. and Gods suzie won.. ........."get on the bus suzie, its gonna get alot worse" alot alot ALOT worse.
and so.....
YES, here I am, 2 years without speed. .........the most well adjusted person in this world.
LOL! ...kidding.
........I'll never be the same. I'll never forget.
but, I'll never be like that again either.
I love me.
...I'm so sorry God, I never meant to hurt me so bad. or my mom.
......I was just trying to have a good time.
It's been one hell of a transition. ......turning back into me, has been a MAJOR reconstuction.
A question in your nerves is lit ............Yet you know there is no answer fit, to satisfy......Insure you not to quit. ..............To keep it in your mind and not forget... That it is not he or she or them or it ........That you belong to.
Joined: Wed Feb 28 2007, 12:14am
Location: Under Your Mom's Meat Flaps!
Posts: 14373
Youf words here are so powerful, I actually FEEL your pain, Suze ... I could never thank you enough for this thread; it's a huge help with bridging a lot of gaps ...
more Q n A *edited for explination...god knows the speklling is fine
Sex wasn't, um... good? (can I say that?) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have had excellent lovers, even strung out...all the way to the bottom...the sex was great... but, he was psychotic...he was great with his mouth full ..and he would be quiet for HOURS.
but, it was fukin' or fighting...all we did..nothing else. .....we'd get outta bed, and the fighting would start.. how can i be cheating and in bed with you too?
same ol' thing.
.... I've also had horrible selfish lovers, and preferred wanking to porn, wankers too.
my ex was so self absorbed...I told him to go fuk a hot watermellon or something...
.......it just went on and on on and on on and on .... in out in out in out in out in out in in out in out
for like 6 0r 10 hours..
......no foreplay, beside him wanking to porno. and me drawing porno fantasys for him.
lol!
the drawings ended up grossing me out about him.. ...we were together 10 years..and one solid year of speed. made my skin crawl when he touched me.
depends on the man
did you loose your sex drive?
...I had issues when I first quit. effects lasted like 2 years. (when I quit 6 years before my last relapse)
I was desensitized.
what helped me was excercise, sun, and ben wah balls. ...if you figure out what muscles to build inside you.. you get more blood in the area.. ...if you are laying n the sun.....I don't mean ridiculously like a saddle bag with eyes.....just enough to keep you body conscience. ...if you cover it up in fat clothes....for extended periods of time... ....it's science fiction and you don't wanna have sex.
but you WOULD if you had a decent body to do it with.
....1st it's the speed.
...then you turn yourself off.....you don't even wanna materbate...much less subject another person!
tan fat looks better than white fat too.
forget suzette
Forum Star Posts: 8827 (7/4/07 12:48 pm) Reply | Edit
Re: Sex wasn't, um... good? (can I say that?) ---------------------------------------------------
right away?
...after 24 hours I was hotter than ga asphalt.
but in the 1st 24... ...I was creating SOMETHING.
I had hobbies, chores I could'nt do w/o speed.. ....and then....allot of sex.
whenI was w/o a bf,
one day... ......I got in the bathtub.(masterbated) 23 times in 12 hours.
.... I was like wow.. .it's gotta be a record. .
I'll say this about my mates. ....they never hit me...they might have if I did'nt split before they could till they cooled off.
and they were faithful. ...there's only so much time in the day.
the last one jacked off IMMEDIATELY and watched porn, until the spell was lifted. ....when I would mention it, or some of the pics he asked me to draw he would get angery and say.. .....he lied, and he did'nt want that.
and it's true I had some rather bizarro quirks myself. .....since he jacked off.....so did I.
and I fantasized about myself (among many other unhealthy pervertions) ....... I imagined when I was being molested....AT 5 years old.
when I was finished.
...for a minute I'd think....
GROSS!
....I neeed another shower! bleh!
so. it's understandable Im bare assed telling you but... its the only way to explain...
THAT AIN'T ME! .........and it was'nt him.
dreaming about trannies. in the beginning.. ........i's thematrix that covers the gushy playdough core of your darker sexuality latient speed sex self before you are evolved, like pure nasty..raunchy..the badder the better...and its usually in their/our own mind... there's alot of us that were alone alot..fantasizing.
self absorbed.
you get a bold sensitivity.. ..........and your sensory is high.
one morning I woke up in blood. ...my ex stuck his thumbnail nail thru my nipple during sex and I did'nt know.
Joined: Sat Mar 03 2007, 05:15pm
Location: creeping up behind you
Posts: 949
i am in love with suzie... everything... about her... she carried me to am, wounded and crying... and flopped me onto the floor of Poetic Justice and said, ok, Rachel, you're home now... and then she gave me a room and said, ok Rachel, go play...
i love suzie... i will never forget that she saved me in so many ways...
HI rachel and thrash... .....I'm back with more dead time stories.
I was homeless approximately a week.
Before that, my exbf was violent and psychotic.. he did'nt work for 8 months... ... I had 2 jobs... .........I paid rent, but I would'nt go home, or stay home when he was acting like he was gonna hit or hurt me.
.......the streets were safer than my home.
then, I decided I was always out there anyway.. .............why pay rent to sit there, when I could do more speed?!
so I stopped paying rent....my ex abandoned me, and the eviction notice was next
I was kinda intrigued....excited even, I had to really be the worst I could possibly be.... ............... I felt like a vampire journalist, interviewing the undead....... ........walking the earth in limbo on the front lines of the drug war zone.
I used my insane time to depict insanity.
I saw thru vampire eyes, drew pictures of it, and I wrote poems and notes so I would'nt forget what it was like being so very strung out
I enjoyed my badness, it felt good being so far gone. .........at night in the darkened alleys.
I loved my nightmare.. ......I walked thru condemned apt complexes in the darkest night.
street hustlers, prostitutes, and junkies with tin cans and ciggerrette filters to draw dope thru all knew me ..............and left me alone......they called me smilie.
I saw hell on earth. ....I started looking homeless....and really strung out.
I got fired, from both jobs.
I never begged for money on the street
I either did a payday loan..(9 all together) ........or asked mom for money.
last time I called and she said.. ....no more money will be sent, but a bus ticket is there when you're ready...
vegas was ready to eat my ass up....my mom knew it.
she was almost hysterical.
......I was still absorbing, all of it..reveling in my wretchedness....my condition... and general conditions.
.................while I was here I may as well have a look around.
experiencing how low it's possible to go since I was in the unique position of being there...
...... I was'nt destined to die there ....god's suz whispered faintly.. somewhere inside...... i knew it........and ignored it as much as I could.
........ the other fiends told me, "I was different" and it was sad to see me there.
I should quit............it pissed me off! I thought I was doing a swell job!
......somehow I was protected, even in the darkness with insane, desperate, souless violent people...
I would have died there if I had just a little more money. .....about 1000 dollars more, I was unhealthy, living on stolen little debbies
I stretched as far as my rope could reach.
...........................I knew when it was time to go..
I was more terrified I'd soon have to fight, ................................than the terror of quitting .
my time was coming... ....when I was in the mouth of madness, about to be devoured,
I went to the greyhound station, claimed the ticket .....and got on the bus to mom, before it was too late
Edited Tue Aug 28 2007, 04:01am
THIS IS WEIRD..mmmkay? .... you've never heard this shit from me.
I am the addict that still suffers... .......I look at kells "we do recover" like it's written in japanise. and think... .................she's not as crazy as me. I won't recover.
I learned something in san francisco, in the last hour from rancid and sfj..
I'm 20 years older than rancid and 20 years younger than sfj.... .......sitting in the CAPITAL of methamphedinmine abuse...drinking coffee like it was nothing to them.
I said..how can you STAND IT?!
they both said almost together....
.....it does'nt matter where you are. recovery comes from within.
pretty tall glass of water for this speedfreak. ..............but something actually clicked.
fight or flight?
.....I took flight.
There comes a time when YOU have to FIGHT for what you know is right..
...if you ever wanna be where you wanna be in this world.
and here is my time.
I'm gonna make it back to atlanta .. ....by 2008.
I'm not going to remain imprisoned by meth forever,
.....I'm gonna bust out of this prison that I put myself in
2 years ago....
.....to avoid the bully that represses me.
I lock myself away from the things I love as well as the
challange I HAVE to stand up to..
I've got to learn to fight after all for my freedom.
I'm gonna shake it off.
...........................I'm changing.
SFJ, took me on a tour of my future..a little bit more everyday.
.....He showed me the finish line, THE ULTIMATE... the goal I am trying to acheive if I don't really look at where the REAL "end of the line" is .......the point where you can't recover.
I wondered....but, I trusted him to be my guide, and keep me safe.... but still....day 1,2,3...I was just...like...???
.....WHY are you taking me to speedfreak hot beds... HOW can you STAND to be near it without using??
.....what ON EARTH would make you bring ME to the front lines of the people who HAVE the speed? .....you know I want?? there MUST be something here he's trying to do.
.....I knew it was'nt to GET speed.
or to tempt me.... ......what was it? why?
He showed me walking dead. The souls lost , but the body still twitching....refusing to die.. .....the suffering. the damned to hell.
.....he looked at me like, get it? with the twinkle in a speedfreaks eyes only we can register, and precieve.
.. I REALLY got it, in the last hour I was with rancid and SFJ... .....we were in TWEEKER WORLD...the world I was in on meth. but i was as sane as I'll ever be in my life.
where the dope and the bottom feeders, go. ....the needle exchange.
at times.. .......he took me to the side and told me things I did'nt comprehend before, with the knowing look of having seen thru vampire eyes too.... .....and prooved it is possible for me too..
The way the "big dogs" of recovery offered it.
was not shoving it at me, just offering it for me to examine with out really any words spoken.
........they showed me in their eyes, I don't have to RETURN. to feel nirvana, and fullfillment.
with hard, steadfast, true, WISDOM, love understanding, and living proof, by example, trust in my strenghth....
AND not just belief. .....KNOWING..
I know they knew I what I went thru... ..............and there was light finally.
.......IF I JUST TRY A LITTLE, AND QUIT RESISTING. I CAN LET GO OF THIS BULLSHIT.
......I'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE SO STRONG.
the "Clean" world accepted me too. ...I do belong in the light, and don't need the cover of the darkside anymore to feel belonging.
I'm gonna go masterbate to some normal heterosexual porn or something. .....lot's of things occuring to me in these posts and memoirs today....
it's like the treatments took effect ....I feel like such a queer...but, oh well.
I feel queer. ....but, it feels really good, like the 1st time i met God's Suz.
but I'm not afraid to change.. ..is this like step 11 or something.
a spiritual awakening??
...it's the 2nd time I've really felt "me"
but this time, with no fear ...without fighting me off.....and refusing to cross over.
Just A Question! can addiction be measured by the withdrawl?
-------------------------------------------------- for me yes. ....definatly.
when i was 19, I'd pass out after 4 days awake a literally wake up standing up..
I popped off 3 masterpieces a night, and cleaned the house and remembered where i put it the next morning
.....like my young body just bounced back in four hours and was up before me.
in my mid 20's it took 3 days to a week.. ....but I could work anyway I was just tired. but I started cutting my hair like rod stewarts then. .....and i do it EVERY time i do speed. like god's suz does it to put up red flags.
at 31 it took amost 3 months, very emotional, sleeping from 11pm to 3 or 4 pm the next day for weeks. I had to call my mom and told her, you house is the only safe place for me in atlanta right now. .....it's next dopor and dirt cheap.
my ex was 22.....he was fine in 3 days....going...what's wrong? ....my mom said, suzie's been at it 10 years now, she's having withdrawls. ....and it was my first....stay up 14 days, and loose my mind era....20 dollar grams, of Ice, making 200 dollars a day as a singing dancing waitress
....this is where I started NOT being as effective as before....I was 4 hours late for work. I started a drawing and drew until they were solid black.
I noticed then....every time I picked up... ....Things started to get worse and worse, and I noted I got a little closer every time I used to damn near detoying and loosing everything I had.
...and I lost a considerable amount of contentmet my apt, my relationship, was great before I brought it home.....and it almost tore us up.
this was 1997 I quit 6 years. and pined away for it. I promised my ex I would'nt because love would last.
in 2003 he lied to me, and I could'nt wait to lie to him ......I had been honest and truthful..quit speed, and ciggerettes
he broke the trust so I did what I wanted as well and did'nt tell him.
he was in 3 wrecks out west, all of em dented his head.. ....he got violent and I went home to mom 2004 and quit. I was sleeping this time....oddly. I would do it and have to lie down... .....this is when I started hinking i'd have a stroke.
I could'nt belive speed was putting me in bed now. ....my blood pressure was 185 over 100
I would go out side to die, so the cops would'nt take michaels pot..my ex. ....I was feeling that weird..I 'd go blind in my periffial like black on the sies and my ears rang and my hands were ice cold all the time, my left hand and arm went numb anfd i could'nt draw....(pun)
I got blood pressure pills and carried on... ....still eating it in capsules ...I bounced back in 3 months for a 6 month run.
back here in flagler
I went to atlanta, did it hard for 8 months
....I was like wtf? now i was 40.
.....I'd do it a wake up in the middle of the livingroom of my friends running around doing projects,with every light on and them taking and playing music.. ....I was like... WHY am I passing out now... .....every one else was up a few days.
and my body was going... .....bed time!
started smoking it...
.......got strung out..
this time it was a major episode and my aunt whos an RN came to look at me .....I was majorly depressed at 38 after 8 months clean my mom brought me to a shrink I was ADHD..
my ex called begging me to go back to vegas ........he was doing meth and crack while I was gone and was now a meth addict/crackhead/wanker he was 28 I was 39 ....I stayed clean almo
st a year between atlanta and when I ran outta adderrall.
between august 2004 and june 27th 2005
.....in one year. I destoyed just everything
......this is the run I'm still recovering from. I used heavily a year and a half. ....and really lost it ALLL.
except my soul. ....I never stole from individuals or slept around but i was homeless and too crazy to know;
next time I'll loose whatever left. ..I'm trying not to go again...I don't want a vacancy sign behind my eyes
I started smoking pot at age 14 .....I was thrown outta 2 atlanta schools for it, and my dad, was coming off coke.
he moved me to athens.. .........saying we both needed to "dry out"
he said he'd GIVE me pot for cleaning the theatres if I'd just stop doing it at school!
...(my grandparents owned 7 theatres) ...if i got thrown out of this was one..he'd have to take me to another state to finish school.
he told me I could be whatever I wanted, just name it. ....I took 2 years of opera, drums, guitar...
I did very well in school once I quit having to move all the time..
...I went to england and france, I was top of my class in french. I illustrated for the school paper.
I was in all the "clicks" Iwas smart (like a brain) gay tolerent (yrs of rocky horror) I was a head (smoked pot, did acid) the rich kds liked me, cause they spent time w/ me in france.. ...I WENT FREE. cheerleaders and jocks were the ones who parents could afford the trp.
my senior year i found speed..age 17
so I finally graduated... ...my dad cried his ass off.
he never thought he'd see the day..
I settled on art institute. ....I wanted to be a fashion designer.
.....I did speed on and off till I started art shool at 18..
......then I went full time.
I could'nt keep up.. ...I did speed to keep up.
I quit art school in a year...I felt i was'nt good enough.
..and started really partying. from 17-age 22 I did lots of speed..and smoked pot of corse
someone rear ended me in traffic.
at 22 I was arrested for singing the alphabet .. ...I was up for 2 weeks I had an 8 ball (3 and1/2 grams) PLUS an extra half, and 2 quarters..
I went to jail 5 hours.
My mom insisted I got to rehab.. .....to impress the judge, and dry out.
I was an inpatient for a month....
.......I did'nt wanna quit, I gave em hell.
the staff and the suicidal people. ...Id tell em to jump or shut up.
they moved me to a different part of the psych ward.
after a week....
....I had forgotten who I was underneith the meth. I never "developed" enough to remember who I was... ...I was'nt fully programmed, Ihad no idea what i was like.
I was a kid.
after a couple weeks the anger wore off. ..........and I was left with ME? .....who was me?!
I'd sit in the window overlooking atlanta and cry.
listening to "that's just the way it is" by bruce hornsby. .....how do I work this?
this city use to belong to ME. ..I knew how to behaive, I was in with the in crowd.
now.. ......I did'nt know how to act anymore.
why would someone just wanna see ME., unless I got dope to share?
I did'nt seem to have a personality. ........I could'nt remember honestly...if I had one
off dope, I had nothing to offer.
...on dope.
I had all these talents, and I was charming (I thought) .......My own city , who looks like my friend when I see it.
looked like a stranger.
who would wanna see just ME? .....w/o dope, I had nothing to offer. what, bring flowers now?
Plus, I was a drag with no dope. (at the time, of corse I was..I felt like crap)
I got a weekend pass... ...and ran off to a neil young concert. and smoked pot.
I came back.
....and said "I ain't paying for this, I'm still not cured, I still wanna do drugs"
they kept me another week... ....and started bringing me to NA at night.
..I was done with rehab...
....My entire family used some kind of drug. and all my high school friends were speedfreaks.
....mom drank, and still did coke..
and my dad was a cross country trucker.
(he really quit when we moved to athens)
so the best choice at that time to live with.....
....was my aunt and uncle (moms sister) all they did was smoke pot.
I lived with them and I continued going to NA meetings .....but was not recovering...
1st. .......I had no sense of "god" or spirituality ...whatsoever.
nada
there goes step 2-11 ...and it seemed like alot of whining to me at that age.
my court date was still 8 months away.
I moved out on my own.
......I picked up again, after 3 months, I was tired of rehabilitating.
I went to court and got 2 years probation.. .......and 100 hours community service.
15,000,000 in fines and fees
I did community service. .....and paid the fines working 2 jobs...still smoking pot they never tested me.
I worked 2 jobs.. ....partied, paid, had friends initial my NA sheet for probation...
finally I was done.
when I got finished with probation/com service.
.....I was free again.
I did speed AT HOME. ...I would never leave home again...except to get speed.
I started dating a guy .......and he got a job in lakeland fla.
...I obviously quit speed, no connections...love was always more important 2 me than speed.
and addicted myself to high impact arobics..
for 6 years.
.............I found out he was cheating...
went back home to atlanta in 1999 at 24...
...and partied my ass off. for 5 years. ..........at age 28.
my dad was still a cross country trucker. .......he had a room at my apt to store stuff..
he was always an athiest.
he came home one day with life 101.. ........and told me to read it.
I did, I started using "the light" and it worked!
.....together we quit smoking pot, and me doing speed...
I got back into arobics.
.......I started meditating.
next he came home with "shirly mcclaines inner workout"
chakra meditation ....
.............he had stopped smoking pot, and he and his GF were searching..
...I started searching too.
I quit everything.
........even meat.
I ate chakra colored food, and did alot of reading and meditation... ....I started dating a guy who was into "channeling" and "soul ages"
....I meditated studied wicca and meditation.. and started dating a guy into "channeling" and "soul ages" .......so i read metaphysics alot.
and got into magic. .....like wicca magic..introduced to me by my dads GF. who was a witch.
and I found myself. ....not long after the metaphysics BF
I was clean over 2 years
I met my last BF. ......he was 10 years younger
I was 31 , he was 21
and OMG! HE NEVER TRIED SPEED?! ........................we HAD to do speed!
(I never really hit a bottom before then)
so, I ruined his life and mine... ............we found it for 20 dollars a gram.
ed macman may as well back up a truckload to the door and said..
...........SUZIE! DO AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!
We'd stay up 2 weeks at a time.
.........in 8 months, I got loopyer, and he got psychotic.
it got so bad.. ...and I was not fuctional now.
I called mom (who hates speed)
..and told her the only safe place for me was with her..
she made doing speed miserable.
following me around yelling at me.. ....to pay attention, and listen...2 impossable things for me on speed.
we moved in with her.
...my ex was 22. he bounced back, in one week.
he was absolutely fine.
...I cried for 3 months
he did'nt understand.
....mom told him.....
suzie has been at this for 15 years longer than you. ............she's still withdrawing.
he talked to me, and said.
"this speed is gonna kill you. ....it's gonna break your body and mind, and the greif out weighs the fun.....lets quit for good"
I love him and thought he was more important than speed. ......so I quit 6 years with him.
I never bounced back completely.
he would get so mad... ...he caught me reading meth madness and was like...can't you forget about it already?
DAMN!
...well, he was in 2 car accidents in year. both caused head injury
he was on percocet, loratab, valium, efflixor, paxil, prozak nothing was working.
..he slept 20 hours a day.
one day........he had a friend visit.. ...and they went out to see vegas..
I called him 10 hours later and said "hey! what's up?" ...he was very short with me.
like i was a bother..
I asked where he was , and he said "I dunno, somewhere near the riviara"
something clicked in me.
...I was like..
the town is 4 miles long, and you don't know where you are?
I did'nt know that was an option.
......PLENTY of people had offered me speed.
but, I considered using a betrayal to him like cheating.
well,
I decided, I did'nt know where i was either. ...and picked up after 6 years.
I ate it, so there was no paraphinalia.. .....and he slept more than the cat...I was alone alot.
so... ....I was in active addiction again after 6 years.. and unstoppable.
my mom knew immedidiately
they found scar tissue was growng into his brain. ....he started acting violent, and paranoid.... but, he was'nt using.
it got so bad... ...I came home to mom for the 2nd time.
TO flagler beach and dried out.
......my ex from High school was calling me..
I dated him when I was 18 - 20.
I knew him since i was 14. ..........he just got outta prison for meth
my old job in atlanta needed help...
so i moved to atlanta.
WHERE HE LIVES
....me and my HS ex BF found 8 balls for 60 dollars
he taught me too smoke it.. ....highly sexual it was.
we lost our minds... ...both of us...and I moved back to fla.
AGAIN
....after 6 months, I WAS'NT the same.
I told my mom I wanted to die.
...if I had to "look for" another thing... or have another 1000 ideas i could'nt exicute.
I would stab myself in the head. she brought me to the shrink.
I was ADHD.
......the meds were PERFECT.
I was acting "normal"
...we were all pleased.
my ex in vegas started callling back.
saying he quit all the meds that were making him violent. ....he was sorry, please come back.
I got 3 mos worth of adderrall. (post dated)
till I could find a dr. ....I could'nt.
within the month, after my last adderrall, I bought a speed pipe.
I've been running a "dream conversation with your addict role play game on KCI to give loved ones a chance to get the real answer instead of bullshit answers they get in real life.
So what's up with talking about how crazy you are and how sketchy you are and what a bada** you are Is this an act??
look at me..
do I look squirrelly? nervous? ...prisoner of the moment? disorganized? constantly searching for _____ ..something? facial ticks? weird gestures? motor cortex retardation(weird postures) .. when I stand do i stand normally? or am I twisted looking or hunched over (malnutrition) "chasing my tail"? in a hurry to go nowhere... seemingly busy as hell accomplishing nothing? if you saw me and did'nt know me, would you think i was on drugs? .......that's sketchy. you tell me, is it an act?
......what is a bad ass? .....do I fight? have a gun? or a big stick? ....shoot up a gram at a time? roll over volks wagons? ......that's a sliding scale.
get him on web cam and I'll tell you if he sketchy.
LOL!most sketchy male speedfreaks are bad asses, because they are quick to jump. ...broken could prolly answer the bad ass ? better, or Imgetinrite.
Then how come sometimes you can seem so not that way?
not what way? .....if it's good speed, and I'm strung out. a decent batch might make me appear balanced and friendly. where some bunk crappy speed would make you more desperate acting. depending on the batch, the speedfreak and how long they have been awake.....varies.
sliding scale again...
day 1 might = happy personable,friendly, attentive and affectionate, sexual
or
day 1 might = self absorbed, obsessive compulsive, mad scientistlooking, drivin, pressured speech and looseness of assositiontons like skipping subjects and talking fast with no pause for emphasis. .. itjustrunstogetherlikethisgotanyspeeednIgotanideacallmyfiendseethatmoviediscodoublebackfli psorangecatsarepretty.
day 2 might = happy personable,friendly, attentive and affectionate..if day one was power drivin.
or
day 2 might = weird quirks appearing and misunderstandings paranoia, or hyper mega sexual ...by now you got bruises from running into things at full speed.. .......I use to the it was because the universe was slapping me around for being up 2 days.
day 3 is when everyone gets weird. .....the fun is over after day 3.
for me, I liked the hallucinations. ........enter the shadow people. I usually stayed home on day 3 or at least went to bed for work that night..if I could'nt stay in....I looked like I had an embalmer get me ready to show..sometimes i looked greenish, dark circles, blotchy translucent skin. ..you could see my network of veins in my thighs and upper arms...my vision was always starting to get blurry end of day 2
certainly by day 3 if you are gonna start picking at your skin..nows the time! I never did...I did other repetitive tail chasing things.. just arranging the coffee table 10 hours...dumb stuff. and you could get a severe cut on a daisy petal. I dunno if your skin is weak or just things get weird.
day 4 = GHOUL ...I've seen people act all kinds of ways beyond this point
Usually here's where the whelps, fever blisters, canker sores bags under the eyes, sunken cheeks, self mutilation.. paranoia, skizotypical personality traits, auditory hallucinations, trees growling at you, shadow people on parade. ....the Addams family's bastard child. ticks, and slapping at yourself like mosquitoes are all over
who said that?! ...did you here that?! ...did you hear something? they are out there.
day 5 = retarded ....you have no coordination, you got weird gestures and facial expressions..... .........you are circling to land.
Ive actually stayed up 14 days before... ....and everyday was just a hair more bizarre then the last.
THAT'S when I got most permanently damaged. ......the malnutrition/sleep deprivation of the 14 day runs.
by my last run.. ...I did speed and went to sleep.
And so even though we had a handshake deal that we'd never lie to eachother, you still lie to me? I would NEVER lie to you. .....if i did speed once in a while I still would'nt.
when I do speed long enough to be Suzette, I will tell you anything you need to hear if you are a threat to my drug use. .....she won't argue with you, she'll agree, she won't cause any waves..that could reveal the vulnerability of my addiction......that might possibly disrupt the speed flow.
....oh yes! I quit awhile back! of corse, I'm clean! ....everything is fine! I am a responsible person! (who was shop lifting and stealing from work, and lying when need be)
I do not lie, unless I am not me. .....just like I do not bring size 5 pants from Vegas to Florida.. ....and leave my family photos, 20 years of artwork, every greeting card ever givin to me, tied in decades..
Suzie is a sentimental, loving, honest, caring hard working girl... ...who does not betray your trust.
Suzette left my parents pictures in a junkie den and took pants I haven't been able to wear since 2 weeks after I got here. 2 years and 3 months ago.
he is not him. ....he is the OTHER him.
_____________________________________
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You are so damn smart. You can be anyone, do anything WITHOUT drugs. So why are you continuing to be lost in your drugs?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm blind mom, I can't see where I'm going.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whatever caused you to get lost isn't your fault. But it's your fault that you CHOOSE to continue to use.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it was my choice when I took this path. ........no one made me do it.
now my addicted self has grown into an alter ego that has eclipsed my true self.
I'm brainwashed, and think meth is good for me. ...I can't understand how in the world, what I do is effecting you. ...or why you don't want me to enjoy life. meth loves me. It makes everything OK.... .......that's why i choose to keep using.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can't trust you to be alone with your little sister cause I don't know what's gonna come out of your mouth! I don't know who might show up. It's so damn sad!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you are absolutely right. ...I love this drug so much, I might share this treasure with her because I love her, not knowing I will ruin her life.... ...I prolly already started the ball rolling in her mind if she wants to be like me.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do I need to throw you out on the street?--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yes.. ...it won't get any better.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- STOP it, STOP it! PLEASE Stop using s'rooms, lsd, meth and whatever else your using.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the acid and shooms are'nt what is turning me into a monster. .....it's the meth...and i can't see over it or around it.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please come back! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love you so much, I just don't realiize whats going on. ......and i'm so sorry, I just don't know it yet. I think you are being over protective..and YOU just don't understand how great this is. but I'm storing everything that blows by me to relive later. ......and my heart will break like yours is someday.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'll ALWAYS Love ya!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
one day i'll realize what I've done, and no one will EVER love me like you do. .....that i only have one mom ....one person in this world who is really just for me. .......that really loves me, unconditionally. and it will bust my heart what i've done to you. ...I'll be back when meth is done destroying me, and warping my mind... ....we hope.
Your mom
terry I'm so sorry. ....that's the truth as i know it. my heart still aches for time lost with my mom. ......and if i had about 1000 more bucks. I'd be dead.
I'm not trying to hurt you. ....those are the real answers as I know it to be.
that made me cry when I read it back to myself. ....I'm so sorry, in her behalf.
