Joined: Sat Mar 03 2007, 05:15pm
Location: creeping up behind you
Posts: 949
well, over the course of the last 3.5 years... a lot has happened. ....first, i was so strugn out in febuary of 2005 that the state came in and placed my three kids into protective custody.
it didn't occur to me then, or for a few years, for that matter...
...the state... came to save my kids.... from ME.
my kids were not safe with me.
my kids never really had a mother. during and before the time i married their father, he abused me. he did unthinkable things to me... things i have written about on my own board, and some other places, like american methology.... but, these things still wake me in the middle of the night..
after my first son was about 11 months old, his father started spanking him.. for things like, not knowing how to blow his nose... for spilling the sippie cup...
....things that little kids just do. because they are little kids.
well, i was usually trying to cope with a bruised face and body with some kind of pain killer. i had many excuses for doctors about why i needed more vicodin.
as the months went by, i discovered new ways to numb the pain. like alcohol. like meth. i really liked meth. i got it from men who would give me a bag, if i gave them something in return.
that still makes me feel filthy.
i try not to think about that.
well, in march of 2005, my kids went to live with my parents while i tried out inpatient rehab for the first time. i wrote in there, i filled up 2 notebooks about everything i was going through, and about all the lies i told while i was in there. it was a really good read, right up until i realised that i was fucking insane.
after that i spent some time in outpatient rehab up in the little town i lived in then. and i went to some AA meetings. i didn't get it. i still believed the state was just mean and they wanted to hurt me, and that there was nothing wrong with me.
it was then that i had my first hallucination. without any drugs. without any alcohol. i was walking from one end of the town, where i lived, to the other end of town to get some groceries, and as i walked past this weird little strip mall, it happened. there was a shabby little video rental place that was also a tanning salon. there was a mediocre(?) little chinese place and it smelled good, despite it's looks. i was wondering if i had enough money to get cereal and milk and go eat something in the chinese place when all these people started exiting the video shop/tanning salon. there were just ten or twelve at first, and i watched them, they grouped up and they seemed to be taking about something, and kind of pointing over in my direction. well, pretty soon more of them came out, and they made even bigger groups. i was thinking about turning around and continuing my walk to the store. i should have right then. there were about 50 or 60 people out there now, all of them were highly engaged in this massive conversation and a lot of them were gesturing and pointing at me. now towards me, but actually AT me. i was really starting to freak out, i was sweating and shaking.
i tried to run away but it felt like my feet were stuck to the ground. i was having a full out panic attack! i didn't know what to do, all those people were plotting against me in some way, maybe they would just beat me to death!
then i started to cry, and the people started walking toward me. they were a good distance from me, and finally i screamed as loud as i could, and i think that released my feet from the ground, so i ran. i even dropped the little change purse that my money was in. i just had to get out of there, i had to get safe.
i ran for a while, i didn't go in any real direction, i kind of just ran around in circles through the town.
i still wonder why no police officer stopped me to see what the hell i was doing.
soon i got back to my house and i shut and locked the doors and i nailed them shut, the windows too. i stayed in my house like that for about a month and a half.
it was winter and in that town anyway, the utility company didn't shut anyone off for non payment until spring. i starved. i was so fucking hungry but i was more fucking scared of those people i saw.
after a while, social services pounded on my door for so long that i had to answer. they stood there waiting while i tore the nails out of the door.
they convinced me that the mental health crisis unit in the hospital would keep me safe and away from those people. even on the ride to the hospital, i saw those people pouring out of the stores, and some of them even ran down the road, chasing the police car i was in.
that was just one of many episodes i had..... they were actually worse when i was clean and sober.
wow. i have more, but i am not sure if i will write them. i suppose it is healthier to get them out.
sometimes it feels good to look back and KNOW i am not going to go through that again.
OH! my WHOLE point in this post...
when my kids were placed in protective custody, my child support case began. and i haven't paid any yet. i spent 3 years not being able to work becasue of my social anxiety disorder, and now that i can and AM working, i have a $4500 Cash OnlyBond.... for non payment! i am not complaining, i know how important it is to take care of my kids, i have learned.... but if i go to jail, i will lose my job, and then i can't pay.
i set up a payment plan with the Family Payment Center... payments are going to come directly out of my checks.
i have contacted my old lawyer, the one who represented me when i was going to court every month for the case with my kids.
he said that i will have to turn myself in and spend a few days in jail in order to see the judge sooner.
the problem is that i have to save up $500 to pay him, and that may take a while, we have bills and we both pay child support, but i am worried that i will get in a car wreck and get arrested.
i've been to jail. that's not really my worry. it's that if i get arrested, i will lose my job and the judge will be like, well, you aren't working, so sit in jail for a few months...
well, that was a long post. but i feel better now.
Joined: Sat Mar 03 2007, 05:15pm
Location: creeping up behind you
Posts: 949
yes i have thought about that. my kids are still with my parents, they are actually their foster parents right now. i have been thinking about this for about a year and a half. the last half of 2007 was when i started to think more clearly, i was going to a lot of meetings and i was finishing up outpatient rehab, actually for the second time. the first time i was not so serious about recovery, and i was still so paranoid, and i wasn't on the right medications for it. i went out and used again after the first graduation, and i unded up back in the mental health unit in the hospital, that was back in july of 2006. they released me to the state, and back to jail i went. i was there for 3 weeks, and after that i went to outpatient rehab, and kept going for 17 months. i graduated again, but this time i was more educated and i wanted to make a home for my kids. see, when my kids were placed in protective custody, a case was opened and the goal was reunification between my kids and i. their father was in and out of this case, and the state finally just terminated his rights. they let me keep trying and working on reunification. i had a hard time keeping a job and keeping up with appointments because for the first part of the time, i was still undiagnosed, and/or diagnosed incorrectly. that made it difficult to perscribe the right meds. i finally got in with a psychiatrist who really talked to me, and we figured out what the problem was. i got on some good meds and things slowly started to flatten out. i graduated from treatment in march, 2008, and i have been clean, sober, and crisis free since july, 2006.
Joined: Sat Mar 03 2007, 05:15pm
Location: creeping up behind you
Posts: 949
even though i feel and think that i could take care of my kids right now, i know they are better off with my parents. i think, well, i can work now, and i have been, and i am in a stable and healthy marriage, and i don't use, and i know what to do if i start to feel unbalanced.... and i have been consistent with my meds for over 2 years..... and i am happy...
but... when i used to have visits with my kids, i noticed that... with me, comes memories, and they remember how their father treated me, and then they remember how he treated them.
they remember that i made bad choices, and they remember seeing me so unhappy...
i think, (and i don't like this part sometimes, ) they deserve and need a clean slate, when it comes to making a bond with a mother figure. this is the hard part. they need a mother, and i can't be that for them.
when i bought this computer from my mom, she gave me a bunch of boxes of disks. i found three disks with my kid's names on each one. i looked at them today. they are pictures of each of my kids, from birth up until 2006. i sat in front of the tv and cried for an hour.
i had my kids, from 2000 when my oldest was born, until march of 2005, when my kids were 5, 4, and 3.
those were my years. that's when i should have been doing the right thing all the time. that's when i should have been doing everything in my power to serve and take care of them. that's when i was supposed to be someone for them.
those are the years that are always going to be mine and no one can ever take that away from me.
there is no undoing any of this, i know that.
Edited Wed Jan 14 2009, 12:47am
Rachel, are you really still that alienated from your parents that you cannot have any casual visitation? They're only a few miles away (or they were when we last talked). I know that there are both trust and control issues with your parents. It's been a year and a half, are you working on that?
Joined: Sat Mar 03 2007, 05:15pm
Location: creeping up behind you
Posts: 949
well, since my parents are foster parents, they have to do what the caseworkers say, and because my youngest son shows signs of depression after he sees me, they think it's best that i don't visit. i agree, i don't want to hurt my kids anymore.
my realtionship with my parents, oddly, is getting better. we talk a lot, and they know me better than they ever have. i don't hide the way i feel around them anymore, i used to be afraid of what they would think if i showed emotion about the situation with my kids. and they trust me enough to sell me one of their cars on payments....
