Joined: Wed Feb 28 2007, 12:14am
Location: Under Your Mom's Meat Flaps!
Posts: 14373
{CAMERA PANS DOWN TO TWO YOUNG GIRLS PAINTING EACH OTHER'S TOENAILS ON A BED. THE TV IS ON, WITH A MICHAEL JACKSON'S 'MAN IN THE MIRROR' VIDEO PLAYING. ONE OF THE TWO GIRLS, STANDS UP, HER TEDDY FALLING OFF AND REVEALING A BONY YET SLIGHTLY HAIR EXPOSED CHEST. SMALL DROOPY FAT BREASTS SAG DOWN AND THERE IS PIZZA SAUCE ON ONE OF THE UNEVEN TITS.}
DOCTORVONEVIL: Hey DJSHITTLES, did you hear what happened to POSTALDUDE last week? (DOCTORVONEVIL removes blonde wig).
DJSHITTLES: I know it's so scary! I heard he was trying to walk in on his mother, ELYSIUM_ANGEL, naked, and instead it was his sister's best friend, you know the cheerleader with the high cheekbones and extremely large breasts.
{BOTH CRINGE}
DOCTORVONEVIL: No you idiot! {DOCTORVONEVIL SLAPS DJSHITTLES ON THE THIGH, GLITTER SPEWS INTO THE AIR} Ew! You farted!
DJSHITTLES: Sorry, you get me excited when you touch me!
DOCTORVONEVIL: No, I heard that POSTALDUDE has gone straight!
DJSHITTLES: Ahahahhahahahah!!!!! {DJSHITTLES LAUGHS SO HARD HE STARTS COUGHING, EVENTUALLY HE VOMITS A CONDOM}
DOCTORVONEVIL: No it's true, apparently he watched this video and it made him straight. Yeah. It's like some heterosexual video with a gay title, like Buttman Volume 7 or something. Yeah it's a wierd video, but rumour has it after watching it, you get a fax, or a phone call and the fax or voice on the phone says, "3 days", or whatever.
DJSHITTLES: What's '3 days' mean?
DOCTORVONEVIL: The amount of time until you go straight.
DJSHITTLES: {GETTING SUDDENLY SERIOUS} Oh god, I saw that tape. It was quite good. I used to think vaginas were the root of evil, but you know what, I think they are kinda nice..
DOCTORVONEVIL {SQUEALS}: NO!!! NO!!!! {DOCTORVONEVIL'S BUTTCHEEKS CLAP, MORE CONFETTI APPEARS IN THE ROOM}
DJSHITTLES: {STARTS LAUGHING MANIACLY GRIPPING HIS NIPPLES} No you silly boy! I would never go straight.
{DOCTORVONEVIL STARTS HITTING DJSHITTLES WITH A PILLOW AND THEN THE TWO PLAY "DICK SWORDS". DOCTORVONEVIL, AS USUAL, THROWS THE MATCH AND LOSES}
DJSHITTLES (AFTER BEING BENT OVER A NIGHTSTAND LIKE A PRETZEL FOR AN HOUR): I'm thirsty, {DOCTORVONEVIL STARTS TO SQUAT OVER DJSHITTLES'S MOUTH} NO! For water you fag!
DOCTORVONEVIL {GASPS}: What?
DJSHITTLES: Nothing...I'm just friggin' thirsty iz'all.
{THE TWO GET UP. DOCTORVONEVIL IS WEARING A TIGHT TANK TOP TIED IN THE MIDDLE; DJSHITTLES GETS UP AND PUTS ON JEANS AND A NY GIANTS JERSEY. DJSHITTLES REACHES UNDER THE BED AND GRABS A KEG AND HEADS ON OUT TO THE KITCHEN AREA. DOCTORVONEVIL PUTS ON SOME FLIP FLOPS AND STARTS DANCING BALLET, HE DOES 2 LEG SPLITS, AND STARTS STRADLING A LAMP IN THE LIVING ROOM. AFTER 4 HOURS OF TALKING TO HIMSELF DOCTORVONEVIL REALIZES HE HASN'T HEARD FROM DJSHITTLES IN A WHILE AND STARTS LOOKING AROUND THE HOUSE}
DOCTORVONEVIL: SHITTIE?? Where are you, SHITTIE? Want me to do your nails again?
{DOCTORVONEVIL SEARCHES IN ALL THE USUAL PLACES FOR DJSHITTLES; THE DILDO ROOM, THE GEORGE MICHEAL BATHROOM DOWNSTAIRS, AND THE BARBARA STREISAND BIDAY UPSTAIRS}
DOCTORVONEVIL: SHITTIE? SHITTIE? SHITTIE!!!!!
{DOCTORVONEVIL OPENS THE DOOR TO THE VASELINE CLOSET AND SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS FEMININE LUNGS AND FAINTS. THERE BEFORE HIM IS DJSHITTLES'S DEFORMED HEAD, COVERED IN JIZZ, TIPPING FORWARD INTO HIS LAP; A COPY OF PLAYBOY BY HIS SIDE}
DOCTORVONEVIL: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{2 HOURS LATER, PAN IN AT THE HOUSE, OVER THE POLICE CARS, TO THE INSIDE}
POLICE CHIEF: How did he die?
CSI: Apparently he jacked off so much he completely dehydrated, if I had to guess he jacked off like 21,083 times in 3 hours, his blood turned to friggin' sand, Chief. I don't know what to tell you, I've never seen anyone jack themselves off to death, especially someone as gay as DJSHITTLES. Hell might as well, he was going to die of AIDS soon. Does his lover know DJSHITTLES had HIV?
POLICE CHIEF: Who do you think gave it to him?
{BOTH NOD KNOWINGLY}
CSI: Right.
{24 hours later}
{DOCTORVONEVIL IS ALONE AFTER THE WAKE, SITTING IN HIS ROOM INHALING DJSHITTLES'S GLITTER SHARDS FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE}
DOCTORVONEVIL: OH, DJSHITTLES! I MISS YOU SO! MY BUTT MISSES YOU! I CAN FEEL IT CLOSING IN ON ITSELF!!
{DOCTORVONEVIL SOBS. SUDDENLY HE DISCOVERS A VHS TAPE HE PICKS IT UP}
DOCTORVONEVIL: Ew! Sticky! {DOCTORVONEVIL LICKS THE TAPE} YAY JIZZ!!
{DOCTORVONEVIL INSERTS THE TAPE INTO A VCR, AND SITS BACK ON A DILDO WHILE WATCHING THE MOVIE. AT FIRST YOU SEE TWO GOOFY NERDS LAUGHING AT EACH OTHER, THEN A NAKED WOMAN, THEN TYRA BANKS NAKED, THEN J.LO NAKED, THEN SOME AFRICAN WOMAN WITH THREE LARGE SIZE DD BREASTS HAVING SEX WITH SEVERAL SKINNY MEN, THEN DEBBIE DOING DALLAS, THEN NICOLE KIDMAN NUDE, COMBING HER HAIR WITH A DILDO, SOMEONE SPOOGING ON A TWINKIE, A DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADER GETTING IN THE ASS WITH A RAKE, AND FINALLY, A FAG GETS PUNCHED IN THE FACE}
{DOCTORVONEVIL STARES AT THE TV HIS EYES BLINKING QUICKLY IN DISBELIEF, SUDDENLY THE PHONE RINGS}
DOCTORVONEVIL: No it can't be, it's just a rumour!
{PHONE RINGS AGAIN}
DOCTORVONEVIL (SCARED FOR HIS LIFE): LEAVE ME ALONE!
{SWEAT AND SPERM MINGLE ON DOCTORVONEVIL'S FOREHEAD}
{PHONE RINGS AGAIN, LOUDER THIS TIME, CAMERA ZOOMS ON THE PINK PHONE} DOCTORVONEVIL (PICKING UP THE PHONE, VOICE TREMBLING): H-H-H --- hello?
