"The american dream...a lame fuck around"---hunter s thompson
Let me start by saying...
.....It disturbs me to see my parents have turned into my grand parents while i was running fast forward. their voices have changed, as well as their views. my mom is'nt as closed up as my dad.
he seems like his mailbox is full and he won't clear out any space for new mail.
He has diabetes and sits around eating sugar ..like my insane garandma ann. ...who was lying in the floor in candy wrappers and piss screaming "let me die" as I called my dad to take care of her.
she lived miserably for another 8 years in an ol folks home too far from atlanta for my strung out ass to get there.
...still see her climbing my legs with a knife in her teeth sometimes...
I wish I had let her die...instead of watching her kids loot her house, and ship her off.... ....instead of dying with what she worked hard for all her life. she and my grand father owned 6 atlanta theatres.....my uncle invented dolby and put sound in all the theatres... ...grand father did the sound for the beatles in 65 in atlanta and is one of the founding fathers of IATSE in atlanta. ...the entertainment union guild.
he died in 1979 ....grandma went in 2000 with nothing of her own...and insane ....she hallucinated ....or there was really a big ugly bird picking on here when no one was watching.
Okay...
..my dad acts like her...not like daddy. I hardly recognise him and I don't get between him and his sugar..been there done that. if he wants to die....I want him to be happy.
I am what he was like when he was young. .....he raised a very open minded person.
I'm coming to terms with my dads death...even tho he's alive. ....I have'nt seen him lately.
My mom is still pretty open to things I want to talk about. ...she was a middle child of alcohaulics....and a natural born enabler.
she worries to the point I think she will die first sometimes... .....daddy wants to die too bad to get to.
she constantly predicts the future...
he's gonna__________ and then ________ and ________ and then I will have to _______ and you will be ________
I'm like mom... ....the bird flu could kill us all at once...you cannot worry about things before it's time to.
well...
I came home because all I had was a bus ticket..or the street. ..I skidded out and crashed doing speed.
I want outtta here so goddamn bad tears popped in my eyes on the thought of it.
.......I am fully developed, and have my own ways and hobbies.
my mom is also a very strong force in individuality.
.....my dad is another completely differnt and set individual...
when they get mad at me.. ...my mom yells and raves. My dad does this silent but intense "burn" vibrations that I feel easily. I am him...... he can level me with his eyes.
when she's yelling at me , and he's doing voodoo vibrations on me it fucking sucks! ...it's all kinds of mental torment. and I am always out ranked. .....this is'nt my place. if mom said you need to wear a tire around your waist ..I'd pretty much do it... ....because...she's my mom.
the best I can do is go to the ocean when I feel trapped in their world. .....I have'nt lived with both parents since I was 6 years old. they divorced in 72.
My mom does'nt want me to go... ....she tried too hard to get me here.
when I say I am trapped and wanna go "home" where MY ESSENCE is. .....she says, alot of people live at home these days..wait.
If something happens to daddy........bla bla bla.
so I waited because they let me come home out of respect for them.
so she and I had an emotional trama, as we were painting the garage to make a spare room for me to get alone in sometimes....
I share her room.
she was all over me saying don't do it THIS way! .....don't fall, don't spill, don't knock over ____ I want _______ in your room!
I was like mom! ....you know why I love love my cyber house so much? its MINE! I can decorate it..and say what i want to...be gracious and have friends that I can say....do what you want to ....this is my place. .....I started cying and said I FEEL SO FUCKING TRAPPED!
I DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT! i DON'T GET TO DECIDE ANYTHING! i CAN GO FOR A WALK IN THE RAIN! (I love rain after vegas especilly) I CAN'T COOK A DINNER WITHOUT BEING SUPERVISED, I CAN'T CREATE OR PAINT OR DECORATE LIKE I LIKE IT.....I'M NUTERED!
so she said she understood it was hard and she's back off.
well I did'nt think my dad was as in tune with me anymore as he once was.... ....he is very weirded out about my addiction, prolly guilt, or wishing it would just go away so he would'nt have to remember my childhood.
but.... I have'nt spoken to him about any of this...
he was at work.
well..
the other day....my dad was at the theatre rolling movies.... .............and my mom came home from work.
I had painted the garage and re organized it all day... ..I was still painting...my dad called.
Mom was kinda quiet.
....she had some wine, and finally, she said I need to tell you something.
what?
"your daddy just called out of the blue and told me you should be trying to move out in the next 90 days or so....
he said we are'nt doing you any favors keeping you here...
...you need to make your own way....we are all at different stages of our lives ...and theres nothing wrong with your style and preferences...
she said,he said, it was weakening me, to not push me back out.
.....I'm not able to truly LIVE MY LIFE like I WANT TO.
"SUZIE is well now beverly... .....let her go...........it's time."
*cries*
my dad is still inside the shell of my grandmother!
...he still lives, he still KNOWS me TRULY.
he can look at me...... and tell my mother my thoughts.
that has'nt happened in a long time....jesus christ....I'm crying my ass offf right now.
it was sooo good to hear from his core again.
my mom is very intune with me as well...but over protective because I guess she wants to die before I do.
lets face it...i quit 6 years.... and within a year's relapse time I was homeless, and loving it. I did'nt even know I was homeless...I just thought I liked to draw outside and did'nt sleep much!
.............that scares her.
I painted her a picture
it says
I did'nt cause it I can't control it it's not my fault
so she can learn to let go a little.
but....
I'm outta here as soon as i can pull up the funds. ....he says he does'nt want me to pay him back for vegas....
just being stable again and happy....and free...is good enough.
