.......I forgot its tacky to be off topic.......sorry ya'll.
so ......I tell you the whole story on "suzie goes to collage".
and you tell me ....how many cd's you have!
I was at work.. .........and so, a lady came in that was short 25 cents...for her juice.
I told her not to worry about it.
...she said, I feel bad....she was very prim.
I said, what are they gonna do? . ... bury me with the quarter I loaned you?
LOL!
I was drawing when she came in....
............ I sketch customers, that burn into my mind, in between cashiering..... .she told me she's in charge of womens services at the collage, and would give me 80 hours of free collage if I just show up friday at 1:00.
*hopes for a real job*
......so here's friday.
1st. I go to "fresh start"
(the program the wonderful woman I met is head of) ............oct 19th- nov 16th.
to me, it seemed like "reality check 101" .....................to really get an idea what the "real world" responds to.
2nd. I do an assessment .... ..............that will tell me the ideal job for me.
*squeeeels like a fucking pig* ...omfg! I need that soooo bad!
3rd I write a real resume.....
........................is this not EXACTLY what I needed?!
I bring my financial aid papes, birf certificate, and licence to the administration and enroll for the jan -may semester to take whatever classes the assessment says I'm most suited for.
THERE IS IS!
I showed her the website, and my drawings... .......and she knows my story, and is gonna hold my fucking hand from step 1 ....to hopefully ........."my place" in the world.
I started crying... .....like a big drug addict.
but she did too. *giggles*
she's a lot like me, in that ................she is driven' by finding those most in need of her help.
she was joyful to tears that she was "on purpose" finding me. .....and I was joyful to tears, because....I'm so goddamn grateful she and I met.
she knows the secrets to "society's mysteries" ........................and how to get me from point a to point b.
I told her I went in that collage 6 mos ago. ...... and asked them what to do, and they told me, I had to pay for the 1st quarter then .....apply for the grant.
I gave up and went home and did'nt know what else to do.
she knows what to do. ...........and it will get her OFF.
to help me.
....like we get off on helping people.
like when someone asks you directions and you KNOW, and you're so glad to tell em.... ...and the person is happy being told...
................Today, my 1st day, she said we would all tell a little about why we were there....
I took a vow never to discuss the personal problems of the women, I met today at school.
she said: .............this is to examine our damages out and push past it.
what an emotional motherfucker! ....holy shit dude.
I was in the top 3 .....of "worst case scenarios"
......but I found, addicts do not corner the market on pain, self esteem, bad choices, despair, and inability to make a "next choice" in their lives.
I'm generalizing here .......this is about no one.....
.......there are women in this world who are abused so badly by a person instead of a drug.... ....................that leaves them feeling exactly like we do.
empty nest syndrome.
...breast cancer survivors, who had both breasts removed....who married as virgins.....and built their life around a man...might be left for another woman whos younger..... .....who has breasts.
mental illness from battery, and heredity..
.....they feel lost, worthless, overwhelmed, and at the cross roads of transition.
everyone in the room cried when we heard each others story. ....we were all very sensitive.
the counselor told us the 1st thing she learned.... ......is you give yourself credit.....and impress yourself.
don't expect anyone else to do it.
.....she said, she counseled peeps who got well enough they said "screw this" I don't need therapy anymore....see ya!
she said it hurt at first... .....then it felt good.
she did her job.
she said:
"You cannot take any credit for a person's progress, you can't take in their pain, nor responsibility for their failures..... ...............all you can do is listen, empathise, encourage and support them.... but, no one should soak up anyones pain as their own... ..........leave it here, do not take it to heart"
alot of today will help me here at cyber home.
When I told em my damage, (just my regular bullshit you guys have heard before)
everyone in the rooms jaw was on the floor.... ..............when I told em, I'm a hermit, and also I was so lonely, but I was too damaged to offer myself to anyone.... .......while we were all crying. this lady goes..... ........look at the positivity, ......even as she says these things! and, ..................WHILE SHE'S CRYING! ...she's still somehow smiling!
... LOL!
people told me, I have amazing inner light, and a beautiful spirit. ........and they would never have guessed .......because of my seemingly optimistic energy....how truly fucked up I am. .............that my despair does'nt show .........yet it's so deep and well explained. they couldn't believe all that came outta me. .........everyone told me..."I seem to have purpose" or "a mission"
.......cleansing.
well....
...............she said the reason we did that, is to put it behind us and move on.
...I think life is like baskin robbins 31,00,000 flavors of despair. except............. the flavor that likes you, takes you, and eats you up..
tomorrow, we'll start digging for what treasure is buried under the scarring.
in 8 weeks... ....I'm supposed to know exactly what direction I'm headed in.
there is a basic computer skills crash course in the 8 weeks... ...because Internet is a tool in getting your talent to the right peeps.
That sounds so awesome, Suze. I'm so happy that you are finding a niche that you can pour yourself into and find others who, though through different circumstance, are where you are. It helps you feel so not alone and damaged.
