I wanted a joke thread on here... I love jokes... rude, crude, dirty.... don't care... find 'em.. post 'em... make others laugh (and not just by getting naked in the thread.... k?)
So theres this drunk old man out in the middle of a snow storm at 3am screaming out "I need a push i need a push". He goes up and knocks on randoms houses until some random guy answers the door.
Random guy - "Its 4 o clock in the morning you old fart! Get lost!
And he slams the door and does back upstairs to bed. Well, Naturally his wife was woken up and asks who was at the door. He tells her it was some old fart who needed a push and he told him to get lost. She reminds him last year how they were in a similar situation, and needed a boost at 2 am, so he says shes right and goes back down stairs. He opens the door but visibility has really gone down due to the snow, so he decides to shout out into the night...
Random guy - Hey, old man! Are you still out there? Old man - (At a distance) Yeah, im here Random guy - I cant see anything, where are you? Old man - Im on the swing...
Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room... The chief storms in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"
The "Pitcher" says "Well, Sir... it was a case of Smoke Inhalation"
The Chief says "Why didn't you just give him Mouth-to-mouth?"
"Pitcher" says "I did.. what do you think started this?!"
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An older lady storms into an Emergency room. She scours the place looking for the doctor that helped her out the week before. She finally finds him, grabs his arm and says "We need to talk about a couple of things right now!" and slams him up against a wall..
Doctor says "What's the problem?"
Woman says "Those fucking Horomone pills you gave me are complete SHIT!!! They're too strong!!! They're so strong, I have hair growing on my Chest and it's spreading to other areas, you fucking QUACK!"
Doc says "Oh My! How far has it spread?"
The outraged woman yells out "TO MY DICK, AND THAT'S THE SECOND THING I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT!"
On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'
The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.
'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.
'Pockets!' said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'
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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"
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A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few pointers before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
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A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
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One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly, white patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
