I did not wanna quit. It was clear to everyone who knew me when I got here.
....my fingernail marks are engraved down the sides of my recovery...from fighting it.
....I knew it was'nt here, where my folks live.
but I was standing in a bucket of shyt up to my chin, and some one threw a bucket of snot at my head..
....I could'nt BELIVE I was too insane to work, keep a home
I stabbed myself in the back, and did'nt wanna face it leaving my photos and art work in vegas.
......I was like an animal in a cage.
we went to atlanta for new years, the 1st year I was here I was trying to make sure it was gonna be where I was going when I got there, I was desperate...it was, it sucked, I went to sleep, and that frustrated me more...like a using dream.
....I so was angry I lived. I was gonna die using, and I came so close, I was in denial of existence.
....when I relapsed afrter 6 years of abstaining, it was like holding my breath for 6 years, under some spell in a plastic bubble with Styrofoam macaroni up to my chin. ......there was no hope for escape from.
My ex BF had some valid points, about quitting.
...and he loved me so much, I would never choose a drug over a person...ever.
(I had no idea how it could possibly effect my mom, I thought, she just does'nt want me to, cause she quit doing drugs)
..... he was 9 years younger than me.
and he did'nt understand, but neither did I.
If he caught me reading a recovery website, he acted like it was some weird porn, and I felt ashamed, so I could'nt use...and I could'nt recover... he made me feel like i was cheating on him when I did.
DAMN! forget about it already suzie, 4 yrs later?! ..you STILL thinking about fukin speed! ...it makes me sick! bla bla bla! (hence forget suzette, around then I met one headlight at meth madness)
............I stopped trying to get support. I never knew what was wrong with me..
I was depressed, lost, frustrated with my thoughts.. ......just in a slump, and I just sucked it up, and strained to live with my choice of love over speed.
...I did ALOT more damage to myself, on the 95 run, when I found ice dirt cheap.....and stayed up 2 weeks at a time at 31 years old..slept 3 days repeat for a year.
.... I was really, really strung out for the 1st time.
I was used to bouncing right back....and I never did.
My ex was in 2 car accidents in one year, when we moved to Vegas, and when we moved to LA... .... and his tools hit him in the head both times, he had scar tissue on his brain.
and, the were trying all kinds of meds on him.. ...and everyone seemed to make him crazier.
He slept 18 hours a day, and I was alone, not recovering.
....he started warping...and I was up on my haunches.. when he flat lied to me and was really shytty doin' it.. ....about his whereabouts...I'm NOT clingy either.
he left like 11am with a stage hand friend...I was all for him going...so he'd get out of bed.
....so like 11pm ...I was like wow. I hope they are ok. ...I called and he "did'nt know where he was, and I embarrassed him calling" ....suzette woke right up to that
we don't know where we are either.
when I picked up..it was all over.
I made a declaration of dependence.
...I would rather live a short life happy than a long life depressed. ......I did it off and on when he was sleeping.
I was still lonely, but... .....I did'nt know, I could "not know where I was" here and there.. ...that ws good. ...I was determined to tame the tiger. I still ate it... .....in the morning...slept at night.
and functioned better than before! ...I was evenfeeling accomplished in my creative endevors.
....he started getting violent..on the loratab, percocett, valium, efflixor, paxil, lexapro, prozak...everything they tried...he was worse, till he said, I'm gonna bust you in the mouth ...
for singing rocky raccoon....I said, that ain't in the equation..bye.
.....within the 1st month I was using.
I came home, to mom.
but I was'nt bad that time...I told her how i was feeling and she took me to a shrink for severe depression.
....yet, I could'nt sit still or pay attention, I felt so frustrated....he said, you're so ADHD.
....when I came out, my mom was eyeballing me on the adderrall...she's not speed promotion..by any stretch.
.....SHE HATES IT.
she said....omg suzie, you look like you again!
....we were both thrilled...I was helped.
my ex kept calling saying he detoxed from everything... ...and the drugs made him that way.
I told him I was ADHD, he said, yeah i know.
.....all my friends said....oh yeah, of corse you are!
I was like why did'nt someone tell me?
...when I went back to vegas....It was gonna be great! I was ok! ..I did'nt need meth!
.....welp, he quit loratab and percocett....and started smoking crack and meth in hollywood at the private screenings with the directors and actors he was rolling film with... .....drs were moving out of vegas, I couldnt find one.
malpractice insure went way up...and vegas is tight with any meds because of addiction...and strattera flipped me out more than it helped..
.....he was like..lets do some crack and speed one night I was like.
....huh? ...you can have the crack...but, YEAH!
so...the downward spiral began.
he was'nt working the entire year I was supporting him working 2 jobs...doing meth.
.....I was GONNA do it FOREVER.
I was smoking it now, and getting it cheap.
my home was a chaotic bunch of crap, so I drew at the bus stop... ....and was worse by the second. things I would'nt consider acceptable before, were just dark world temporary accomidations.
every loan I got I just knew that 600 dollars would kill me. ....I had alot of things malfunctioning.
I was so sick when I ate, and did'nt use.
..my stomach lining, or something...it was bad. my left arm was numb, I hallucinated all the time now from sleep deprivation...I enjoyed that....for the most part.
I thought..
"I'll never live to pay this loan" (yes you will) ...nah.
.......this is the one, (uh uh ) ok one more...(you are not supposed to die here) till I had nine.
I was like Gawd! .....there's nothing that will kill me, I'm seeing dead relatives now! (you have only a short time left here) .....no way! I'll leave in a body bag! ....(absorb it, this is what you choose to do with your life)
....and BAM.
here I am.
...then, it was like clockwork orange, because I was FORCED into seeing things I did'nt wanna see, and I resisted.. ...even after I opened methology...how did I do it? I never expected it to last the weekend.it was a complete accident.......I did'nt wanna love hemet, and broken when they relapsed...I did'nt wanna see one headlight, and Bobbie's steadfast detertermination from my moms angle.
.....but I had the words to unlock their mystery.
I realized moms pain.. ...........I could'nt die using now.
so, NOW, I was afraid id see it, and it will kill me next time......
I could see every single time, I came back less, and had less fun....so did my peers here...I know its snorting a bullett .... I could'nt look left or right, NOW for fear I would SEE it and relapse...
....then finally san francisco..I got outta my box.
I drug my feet every step of the way.
.....until it was as plain as day.
I never "got it" because someone told me "drugs are bad" ....I was'nt computing that...
but by accident... ..............I understand.
that was alot of crap to get a simple idea. ...........I'm HARD to reach when I get an idea in my head.
and my destiny just keeps unfolding, and I don't wanna die doing speed.
.....there's alotta people like me.
wacked is just like me wdwizd...exactly, broken, hemet. ....and I hate to see wacked and wizd have to beat their head on the same wall... ....so I really try...in ways I think..MIGHT have taught me.
but i could'nt read on meth. ...I just could'nt absorb.
suzette did what suzie already knows how to do. ....she does'nt learn nuthin.
